AMAZON FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza
[Open with an overhead shot of Tribal Council. We then cut to the interior].
Jeff: Welcome guys. Please take a seat.
[Rob Cesternino walks in first, followed by Matthew von Ertfelda. Matthew walks exactly two steps behind Rob, like an obedient puppy. Jenna Morasca and Heidi Strobel follow, each carried on large velvet pillows by manservants. Female attendants drop rose petals on the path before them as they are carried onto the set. But soon they are all seated. Matthew sits exactly where and how Rob has instructed him to. He also holds a machete, which is drenched in blood.]
Jeff: Hello, and welcome back to Tribal Council. [He smiles, and nods to the four players.] I know you guys have been through a lot, but you've made it to the final four. You've done it, and you're here. But now, we have a little game for you. First, let me bring in our jury.
[The jury files in. There are only three members here. Alex and Dave come in first, sporting unbelievably long fu manchus. They both look like Civil War soldiers. Christy is third, wearing a T-shirt that reads, tastefully, "F--k Jenna."]
Jeff [confused]: What happened to Butch?
Rob [piping up]: Matt killed him, Jeff. Last night.
Heidi: ... and ate him.
Matt [apologetic]: I'm sorry, guys. I can't help myself. It's just something about the moon. [He closes his eyes, smiling, reminiscing. He gets lost in the moment, softly purring to himself. Rob looks frightened and moves a few inches to the left, away from Matt.]
Jeff: Matt, look. You've eaten Roger. You've eaten Deena. And now Butch. Stop it!
Matt: My bad, Jeff. Won't happen again.
Jeff [getting back into the game]: This game is called Fallen Comrades. It is designed to test your knowledge of those whom you have vanquished, to see how well you got to know those around you. I will be asking ten questions, and each correct answer will get you a point. The one with the most points at the end of the game will win immunity. And I don't need to tell you how crucial that can be at this point in the game. So please, everybody grab your pad of paper and your pen.
Heidi [sitting on a small velvet throne]: Jeff, can I make a small riquist?
Jeff: Sure, what is it?
Heidi: Can the deaf girl not be here?
Jenna [covering her mouth with her hand, so Christy can't read her lips]: We're uncomfortable with her here.
Jeff: But she's a juror. She kind of needs to watch this.
[Jenna lowers her head and starts crying. She looks up at Jeff and gives a big pouty lip. He has no choice but to appease her.]
Jeff: Okay, pumpkin. The mean girl will go away. [Turning to the jury box] Christy, could you go sit in the woods or something? You're making Jenna cry.
[Christy, angrily, stomps off into the woods. She goes and sits at the edge of the trees, still watching. Jenna is happy with this and smiles.]
Rob [holding up his marker]: Jeff, this pen is so hot. It reminds me of Tyra Banks.
Jeff [ignoring him]: Okay... question #1: What city is Deena from? [waits for them to write answers]. Okay, let's read them.
Heidi: Don't care
Jenna: Don't care
Rob: I don't know, but I'm pretty sure they bake cookies in a hollow tree there. *rimshot* [He has actually written "*rimshot*" on his paper.]
Matthew: [Has drawn a picture of a skull, dripping blood. No words.]
Jeff: I'm sorry. No points scored.
Heidi [annoyed]: Jeff. The deaf girl is still looking at us. I can feel her staring. [She shudders]
Jenna [covering her lips once again, to discourage lip reading]: Can she avert her eyes or something?
Heidi: It's not fair! Katie is trying to distract us on purpose. She's just jealous.
Jeff: Her name's Christy.
Jeff [yelling to Christy]: Christy, please no eye contact! You're making the girls nervous. [Christy struggles to read lips from so far away and then responds with some language: Her middle finger.]
Rob: Uh, Jeff. I know I don't need to remind you of this, but rule 42.a.1 of the Survivor by-laws says you can't go more than a minute between Fallen Comrades questions. You're breaking the rules.
Jeff [glaring at Rob]: Okay, question #2. [He holds up a medium-sized green shirt] Who does this shirt belong to? [He waits for them to write] Okay, let's see what you've got.
Heidi: Don't care
Jenna: Don't care
Rob: I have a funny story about that shirt...
Matthew: It is certainly a delightful vestment, similar to many that I have purchased myself.
[Rob stands up to go into his story. It is a pre-planned comedy routine, and he shakes his left hand as he talks, as if holding a microphone.]
Rob: So I'm with Daniel back at camp, and he's wearing that shirt. And I'm like, that shirt is so hot, especially if Heidi's wearing it...
Jeff: ROB! STOP! [He glares at him.] I've told you before, we aren't here for you to practice your material! [Rob sits down, sulking.] Okay, question #3... [Jeff suddenly notices something. Alex is missing from the jury.] What happened to Alex?
Jenna [covering her lips, as usual]: Matt just killed him.
Heidi: ... and ate him.
Jeff [furious]: Matthew! What did we just talk about?
[Matthew looks up, sheepish. A small trickle of blood runs out of the left corner of his mouth]
Matthew: Sorry. My bad. I forgot it was against the rules.
[We cut to Dave, the only remaining member in the jury box. His face is white as a sheet. He is terrified.]
Jeff: Okay. Back to the game. Question #3... In his postgame interview, who did Alex say was the hottest player here?
[We don't get to the final two answers, because Jenna and Heidi are now fighting. Jenna grabs Heidi's hair, and the two fall to the ground, in a catfight.]
Rob [giddy]: Oh man. This is too cool, Jeff. An actual catfight. I saw something like this on the scrambled channel in my parents' basement last year.
Jeff: Okay! Forget question three. We'll just throw that one out. [He walks over to separate the two females, pulling them apart. They both look upset, with Heidi now missing large patches of her hair. Heidi shoots a quick glance at the jungle.]
Heidi [angry]: Jeff, Carrie just looked at me again!
[Jeff sighs, defeated, his shoulders slumping.]
Jeff: Look, her name's Christy, and she's sitting in the woods already. She can barely see you!
Heidi: But I can feel her eyes on me!
[Jenna starts crying again, sadly. She begs Jeff to remove Christy from the set. Jeff finally goes out to the woods and tells Christy to leave. Christy disappears. Jenna smiles again, happily.]
Jeff: Question #4... In his postgame interview, who did Butch say deserves the money the most?
Rob: Jenna's mom.
Matthew: [Some unintelligible word, traced with his finger in blood]
[Heidi and Jenna turn to one another and "awwwww", happily, over being named. They hug, smiling.]
Heidi: That's so sweet! I love you!
Jenna: No, I love you!
Heidi: I love you more!
Jenna: I love that you love me!
Rob: Hey, why don't you two do us a favor? Instead of hugging, why don't you make out? I think we'd all like that.
[Matt even perks up at this. He takes his attention off his machete for a moment.]
Heidi [coy]: Jeff, will you give us immunity if we make out?
Jeff [grinning]: I'll give you peanut butter.
Jenna: Okay, deal. [She moves to kiss Heidi. Rob makes a moaning sound.]
Rob: Jeff, I can't watch this. Boobs just touched. I'll need to get a new pair of pants.
Jeff [laughing, enjoying the spectacle]: Okay, forget it. Sorry for the delay, guys. [He brings a jar of peanut butter over to the two girls, who hungrily devour it]. Let's get back to question #5... What is the deaf girl's name?
[Heidi looks confused]
Jeff: I just TOLD you her name. Several times. Weren't you listening?
Jenna [covering her lips again]: I don't think it's fair to ask about her. She doesn't count. She's not really one of us.
Jeff: Jenna, just shut up and answer the question. Eat your peanut butter.
Heidi: Don't care
Jenna: As if
Rob: Wishy-Washy McBitterton
Jeff: Well done! Someone actually got one right! One point for Matthew. [Jeff picks up the next card, but is interrupted by a scream. He looks up and notices that Dave is gone.] Oh no, don't tell me. Matthew?
Matthew: Apologies. I was so ecstatic I was correct, that I... felt the urge... to celebrate. [He shrugs, apologetically] Dave's flesh was delicious though, if that matters. [He closes his eyes, reminiscing] His soul was pure, like the purest cut of veal. Mmmmm. [As an afterthought] Hey, any of you guys want one of his eyeballs?
Rob [frightened]: Uh, Jeff, can you do me a REAL big favor? And let me NOT sit next to this psycho? [whiny] Rule 33.c.1 specifically states that if I am uncomfortable at Tribal Council, I can request a change of seating.
Jeff: Well, it doesn't matter. The game's over. We don't have any more jurors.
Rob: You could bring Christy back.
Heidi: Who is Christy?
Jeff: The deaf girl! Don't you pay attention??
[Jeff goes into the forest to get Christy. He brings her back to the jury box, where she sits alone. She removes her Jenna shirt and has a different one underneath it. It says: "Matt, please don't eat me!"]
Jeff: Question #6... What sport did Shawna play?
Heidi: Stroking Alex
Rob: Jeff, let me tell you. That girl was SO hot.
Matthew: [He has drawn a picture of Rob, impaled upon a large knife]
Rob [panicked]: Jeff, that's not cool. Can you strap a Hannibal Lecter mask on this guy or something? [He inches as far away from Matt as he can get, almost falling onto the ground.]
[Matt just leers at Rob, smiling]
Jeff: Question #7...
[Christy raises her hand in the jury box. Jeff calls on her.]
Christy: Jeff, can I go to the bathroom? We've been out here a lot longer than I expected.
Jeff [looking at his watch]: Okay, we'll take a break. Ten minute break, everyone?
[Jenna bursts into tears.]
Jenna [hiding her lips]: Jeff, please don't. Can we pleeeease finish?
Jeff: But Christy has to use the bathroom.
[Jenna cries more, big, loud sobs.]
Jeff: It's okay, honey, don't cry. [He goes over to hold her hand.] We'll keep going, okay pumpkin?
Jenna [happily]: Thanks, Jeffy Weffy. [She and Christy exchange a quick glance, sneering at one another. Jenna sticks out her tongue.]
Rob: It's for the best, Jeff. Rule 53.a.2 says that no pee breaks are allowed during challenges.
[Suddenly Jeff notices that Heidi is missing.]
Jeff [already knowing]: MATTHEW!
Matthew [looking up, sheepish. A few blond hairs protrude from his mouth.] My machete slipped. I don't know what happened. It was an unfortunate accident.
[Jeff suddenly motions to the side, where two bodyguards come out. They flank Jeff, protecting him from crazy Matt.]
Jeff: Okay, now that's a little better. [He glares at Matt, who only smiles back, his best piranha smile.] Question #7... Where is Christy from?
[Jenna doesn't have a clue. She doesn't know who Christy is. So Rob leans over and whispers "Wyoming" to her.]
Jeff: Okay, let's reveal.
Matthew: [No answer. He just stares at Rob, while slowly sharpening his machete.]
Jenna: Rob, you snake! You said Wyoming!
[Rob laughs, evilly. But then he sees Matthew staring at him, and freaks out.]
Rob: Jeff, can we just give Matthew immunity on this one? I don't think we need to finish. I'll forfeit if it means Matt can win. [under his breath] Please?
Jeff: Sorry, Rob, we finish.
Rob: Jeff, but rule 11a of the Marquesan addendum says we can forfeit if...
Jeff [interrupting]: Rob, shut up.
[The camera crew starts to applaud, as does Christy. She is smiling, happy, the first time today.]
Jenna [hiding her lips]: Jeff, can the deaf girl stop clapping? It hurts my ears.
Jeff [Talking over them, just trying to finish]: Question #8... What were the original two tribe names?
Jenna: Deena and Jeanne against the cute girls
Rob: Tagi. Pagong. Rattana. Kucha. Ogakor. Barramundi. Samburu... [He writes down every Survivor tribe, ever, including the ones in all the foreign versions]
Matthew: Forgive me. I must feed again.
Jeff: Matthew! No!!!
[In a split second, Jenna is gone. She has been devoured. Matthew burps.]
Jeff [mad]: Great! We only have TWO players, and ONE juror. How are we gonna finish this game??
Rob [speaking very fast]: Jeff, I forfeit! I quit! Matt wins. Just give it to him!
Jeff [also a tad unnerved]: Matthew, I just want to point out that Rob lied to you, not me. I'm just the host. Eat him first, okay?
Matthew: Come on, guys. Human flesh tastes the same, whether it is pure or tainted. Honor makes no difference. It's really all in the presentation. That, and the type of service vessel you use. [He pulls a small fondue pot out of his backpack]
Rob: Oh, s--t! [He stands up and BOLTS off into the jungle.]
Matthew: Hey, Jeff, this is splendid. Because I'm not just a connoisseur of the culinary arts. [He unsheathes his machete] I'm also a sportsman. I love the thrill of the hunt. [He laughs, and starts walking after Rob, slowly, like Jason Voorhees.] Hey, Rob, tell me again about that chain of yours...?
[Jeff just stares at the camera, defeated. Everyone is gone now, except for Christy, who is sitting in the jury box, happily. Jeff looks at her and shrugs.]
Jeff: Hey, Christy, want immunity?
Christy [smiling]: Sure, why not?
[Jeff walks over and places the necklace around Christy's neck. She proudly displays it.]
Jeff: I proclaim you the winner of Survivor: The Amazon.
[Christy smiles, holding her fists in the air.]
Jeff [whispering]: Now, I got a helicopter. Let's get the hell out of here before Matthew comes back!
[Christy gives him a thumbs up, and the two of them run off into the jungle, hand in hand.]
[fade to commercial]