by Mario Lanza

[We open with an overhead shot of Tribal Council. Dramatic music plays in the background.]

[We then cut to the interior of the set, where the final five Tribal Council is about to take place.]

Jeff:  Welcome guys. Come on in, and take a seat.

[The final five players walk in from the left, one at a time, and sit down in their assigned seats.]

[Colby walks in first. He sits down, sighs loudly, and slumps his shoulders. He then places his head in his hands and looks down at the ground. He clearly doesn't want to be here anymore.]

[Jerri walks in next. She sits down next to Colby and smiles over sweetly at him. He doesn't appear to notice.]

[Russell walks in next.]

Russell [to no one in particular]:  I'm Russell Hantz!

[Russell walks over to his seat and he tries to sit down, but he can't quite get comfortable on the low wooden bench. He squirms and wriggles, but he can't quite see over the firepit. So a producer comes over and hands him a plastic yellow booster seat.]

[Russell sits down on the booster seat and everything is fine now.]

Jeff:  Better?

Russell [happily]: I'm Russell Hantz.

[Parvati walks in next. She sashays between Russell and the firepit and sits down next to Russell. She smiles seductively over at him and winks.]

Parvati:  Hi Russy Wussy. Who's my big strong boy?

Russell [proudly]: I'm Russell Hantz!

[Next up is Sandra. She walks in, walks past Parvati and Russell, and mutters some sort of an indistinct curse word. She then sits down on the end next to Parvati.]

Jeff: Welcome to Tribal Council. And now that everyone is comfortable, let's bring in our jury.

[One by one, the seven jury members file in. Coach, Courtney, J.T., Amanda, Candice, Danielle, and Rupert. One by one they all take their seats.]

[Coach immediately pulls out a guitar and an amp and starts to plug in.]

Jeff [confused]: Wait, Coach. What are you doing?

Coach:  I'm setting up for our performance.

Jeff: Whose performance?

Coach: The Dragonz. We put together a band.

[He reaches over and Courtney gives him a proud little fist bump.  Coach turns to the camera and hits one of his warrior poses.]

Jeff [shaking his head]: No way. I'm sorry, but I don't care if you guys put together a band. You are not playing at Tribal Council. This is a serious place, we have business to take care of tonight.

Coach: But we wrote a song!

Jeff: I don't care. Put it away.

Coach [protesting]: It's about a mighty warrior!

Jeff:  Shut it, Wade.  You're done.  Sit.

[Coach just glowers at Jeff for a couple of seconds. Courtney scowls and shoots him a middle finger. Amanda puts down her tambourine and she starts to cry. The whole jury looks very pissed off about this.]

[Finally Rupert speaks.]

Rupert [growling]: Well I guess it's true.

Jeff: What's true?

Rupert [growling]: There -are- no more heroes anymore.

[The rest of the jury starts to applaud. Jeff just glares at them until they all shut up and sit down.]

[After a few moments of awkward silence, Jeff has once again regained order. Back to Tribal Council.]

Jeff:  Fine, are we ready to begin?

[Colby's hand immediately shoots up into the air.]

Jeff: Yes? Donaldson?

Colby [looking concerned]: Yeah Jeff, do I really have to be here? I got a lot of stuff I have to do back at camp.

[Jeff just stares at him for a beat. He looks incredulous.]

Jeff:   I'm sorry, but yes you do have to be here.

Colby: Yeah but do I actually have to compete in this challenge?

Jeff [sighing]: Yes. Considering there are four villains, and only one hero, it would probably be in your best interest to compete in this challenge. [trying to give Colby the hint]  It would probably be a... very... good... idea for you to try to win immunity tonight.

Colby [bummed]: Seriously?

Jeff:  Yes, seriously.

Sandra [muttering under her breath]: Stupid ass.

[Colby just sighs and closes his eyes. He shakes his head.  He looks like his puppy just died.  It is clearly very painful for him to have to be here right now.]

Jeff:  Fine. Now, if we're ready to begin...

[Russell's hand immediately shoots up into the air.]

Jeff: Yes, Russell?

Russell [proudly]: I'm Russell Hantz.

[The whole jury starts booing.]

Jeff:  Yes, I am aware that you are Russell Hantz.

[A shoe comes flying out of the jury box and it lands near Russell's feet. Then a tomato comes flying out from the jury. It nearly strikes Russell in the head.]

Courtney [heard off camera amidst the boos]:  Eat shit, you little troll!

Danielle [heard off camera amidst the boos]:  I'm gonna kick yah ass, you mothahfuckah!

Rupert [heard off camera amidst the boos]:  There are no more heroes anymore!

Russell [angrily pointing to the jury]:  Jeff, those little bitches better know what they in for when I get to the final three. Cause I'mma tear 'em to pieces.

Jeff: You're going to tear the jury to pieces?

Russell: Yep. Every last one of 'em.  I'll put 'em -on- the jury.

[More booing.]

Russell [angrily]: Yeah, eat my dick! All of you! I'm Russell Hantz! I'll shit in ya Corn Flakes!

[More tomatoes and debris come hurtling down at Russell from the jury box. Now Courtney comes hurtling out of the jury box. Somebody has literally thrown Courtney.]

Jeff [furious]: Enough! Stop it!

[He waits for the tumult to die down, and for Courtney to stand up and walk back to the jury box. She finally does so. She and Russell exchange an angry glance as she passes by.]

Jeff:   Fine. Thank you. Are we all ready to begin Fallen Comrades now?

[Colby's hand shoots up into the air once again.]

Colby: Yeah, bro, seriously, I mean it. I really got a lot of stuff I gotta do back at camp. Can I jet?

Jeff:  No!

Rupert [heard off camera]: Heroes don't yell at Colby, Jeff!

Jeff:  Look, we've got an immunity challenge to take care of. Can we at least get to it now?

[Parvati's hand shoots up in the air.]

Jeff:  Yes? Poverty?

Parvati:  Can I give Russell a handjob during the challenge?

[Jeff does a double take and gives her a stunned incredulous look, like the one he once gave to Billy and Candice.]

Jeff:  Are you kidding me? No! Why do you think you could do that?!?

Parvati: Well my hands are just kind of lonely. (pouting) And also I really really like Russell.

Russell [proudly]: I'm Russell Hantz.

[Jeff just glares at Parvati and shakes his head. No. This absolutely is not going to happen tonight.]

[Parvati just sulks and shoots Jeff an angry pout.]

Rupert [heard off camera]:  Only heroes should get hand release, Poverty!

[Jeff pauses for a second to try and regain his composure.]

Jeff:   Fine. Are we ready? I'm hoping we are.

[There don't appear to be any more questions from the participants, so he bravely soldiers on.]

Jeff:  Our Immunity Challenge tonight is called Fallen Comrades. It will test how well you know those who have been voted out of the game. How much you learned about them from your time together. And how well you really got to know them...

[Russell immediately stands up in the middle of Jeff's sentence.]

[The jury starts booing again.]

Russell:  Jeff, I believe I got something to give ya.

[Russell reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small green idol on a string. It is a hidden immunity idol. He grins, then walks around the firepit, and hands it to Jeff.]

[Jeff accepts it.]

Jeff [nodding]: The rules of Survivor state that if a player plays a hidden immunity idol, he does not have to compete in Fallen Comrades. And he automatically wins immunity, as well as a spot in the final four. (pause) This IS a hidden immunity idol.

Russell [to the jury]: Suck on that, bitches! I control every last one of ya!

[More loud booing and hissing, like before. And now it intensifies. Now rocks and assorted clumps of feces come hurtling down towards Russell from the jury box. He manages to dodge most of them, while all along he continues to belittle the jury.]

Russell:  Coach, you're a joke! You couldn't coach shit! Your kimono makes you look like a girl!  J.T., you look like a frog!

Courtney [heard off camera]: Fuck you, Oompa Loompa!

Amanda [heard off camera]: Guys, stop! I'm gonna cry!

Rupert [heard off camera]: Heroes don't insult Coach and J.T., Russell!

Jeff [screaming]:  STOP IT!!! EVERYONE!!!! STOP!!!! IT!!!!!! CUT IT OUT!!!!

[The booing and screaming die down. Now everything is once again replaced by an awkward silence. Russell is quiet now and seated but he continues to glare up at the jury.]

Jeff:  Look, Russell has played an idol and he no longer has to compete in the challenge. So that means Russell wins. Fallen Comrades is over. We're done.

Sandra: Like hell we are.

Jeff: What?

Sandra: Fuck that, I got a idol too.

[Sandra stands up and she pulls a hidden immunity idol out of her bra. She sneers over at Russell and then walks up to present it to Jeff.]

[Jeff looks at the idol for a second.]

Jeff: Well the rules state that if a hidden immunity idol is played, a player no longer has to compete in Fallen Comrades, and automatically advances to the final four. (pause) This IS a hidden immunity idol.

[Sandra just stands there and smiles, proudly.]

Jeff:  So Sandra advances to the final four too.

Sandra [sweetly]: And Jeff?

Jeff: Yes?

Sandra: Let it be known that when Russell sleeps in the shelter, he shits his pants. I saw a little poo coming outta that bitch's blanket last night.

[The jury starts cheering.]

Rupert [heard off camera]: Heroes don't poop their pants, Russell!

[Russell, of course, is now just glaring at Sandra. He appears to have murder in his eyes.]

Russell:  You little bitch. You just watch yourself. Cause you're next.

Sandra: Oh snap, you're right. (pause) Hang on Jeff, I got something else for you.

[She reaches into her shirt and she pulls out a second hidden immunity idol.]

[The jury applauds yet again.]

[Sandra hands the idol to Jeff.]

[Jeff looks impressed.]

Jeff:  The rules of Survivor state that if a player plays a -second- hidden immunity idol, they negate their first hidden immunity idol, and they then get to walk over and kick any other player in the nuts. (pause) This IS a hidden immunity idol.

[The jury bursts into more loud applause.]

J.T. [heard off camera]: Go Sandra!

Rupert [heard off camera]: Only heroes have two idols, Russell!

[Russell angrily glares up at the jury, and then he glares back at Sandra. And now he lets loose a wry little smile of his own. After all, two can play at this game, now can't they? And why not? They aren't just dealing with anyone here. They are dealing with Russell Hantz.]

[Russell immediately pulls a second and a third hidden idol out of his pocket.]

[The jury once again starts booing him.]

[Russell immediately hands idols #2 and #3 to Jeff.]

Jeff [holding up the idols]: The rules of Survivor state that if a player plays -three- hidden immunity idols, he negates all immunities that have come before and everyone has to compete in the challenge again. And also he gets to take Sandra out into the bushes and have his way with her. (pause) These -both- are hidden immunity idols.

Russell:  And also, I'm supposed to get a clue to another idol.

Jeff:  Yep, that's correct. If you play three idols, you get a hidden clue to a new one buried somewhere on the island. Sorry, I forgot about that part.

[He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a new clue. He hands it to Russell.]

[Russell unrolls the clue, he reads it, and then he immediately reaches down to dig underneath his jury seat. Bingo, there it is. He now his hidden immunity idol number four.]

Russell:  Ha ha. Suck on that, bitches. I got four.

[Parvati immediately shoots her hand up into the air.]

Jeff: Poverty?

Parvati [confused]:  Um yeah, what if I have an idol too, Jeff? I mean, what happens if I play one now?

Jeff: Well if you play one, it means we have to go to rule 25b, subset 6ca in the official Survivor rule book.  If a third person plays one, that's when it sort of starts to get complicated.

Jerri: Yeah but what about me? What if I play one now too?

Jeff [amazed]: Wait. You and Parvati -both- have hidden immunity idols?

Jerri:  Well, yeah. Duh. I've got like six of them.

[Parvati digs around inside her shirt.]

Parvati:  Looks like I only have three.

Russell [seductively]: Here, baby, I'll give you another one.

[Russell hands the idol he just dug up to Parvati. Now she has four.]

Parvati [squealing]: Yay!

[Parvati winks gratefully. She then immediately reaches her hand down the waistband of Russell's shorts and starts moving it around.]

Jeff [trying to get some order back once again]:  Hang on. Just hang on. Enough! Let's just take a step back here. There are way too many idols being played right now.

Jerri:  Well it's not our fault. You guys shouldn't be giving out so many of them.

J.T. [heard off camera]: I even found one back at Ponderosa!

[Jeff just sighs.]

Jeff:  Okay, hang on for a second, guys. Let me go get Burnett. We need to talk about all these idols for a second. (he turns and motions for Burnett to come out) Just relax for a second while we go over this.

[Jeff turns to talk to Burnett, but then notices something out of the corner of his eye. He immediately turns back to the players.]

Jeff [sternly]: Oh... and Poverty? No handjobs. Hand out of Russell's pants. Knock it off.

Parvati [hurt]:  Jeff!

Rupert [heard off camera]: Heroes don't have to put out to be popular, Poverty!

[Mark Burnett comes out and he and Jeff have an animated conversation about idols for a few seconds behind the podium. The players just sit there and fidget, anxiously. No one says a word.]

[Finally, Probst and Burnett have come to a decision.]

Jeff:  Okay guys, thanks for your patience. (he comes back and he looks around at them). Okay, let's get to it. Here is what we're gonna do. Who has the most hidden immunity idols right now?

[The players look in their bags and pockets and count. Sandra has five, but Jerri is the winner, with six. Colby is the only player who never found one. It's doubtful he ever even went out to actually look for one.]

Jeff:  Okay, so then that settles it. Jerri has the most, so Jerri wins immunity.


Amanda [from the jury box]:
Actually, that's not quite true, Jeff.

Jeff [caught off guard]: Wait. What?

Amanda: I have eleven of them. I found them all in the bathroom this morning.

[Jeff pauses.]

Jeff [confused]: Why the fuck were there eleven hidden immunity idols in your bathroom?

Amanda:  I don't know. My head hurts.

[A long awkward pause follows this exchange.]

Sandra:  So then Amanda wins immunity?

[The jury all starts cheering.]

Jeff:  No! Amanda doesn't win anything. She was already voted out.. Jerri wins immunity.

[Jeff pauses.]

Jeff: ... and Russell also wins immunity just because he's awesome.

[At this, the jury cheers all turn to boos again.]

Sandra [incensed]: But Russell doesn't even have a idol anymore! That shit aint fair!

[A producer suddenly runs out and hands Russell an idol.]

Russell [proudly]: I'm Russell Hantz!

Jeff:  Hey, look at that. Russell just found an idol! So Russell wins immunity, he goes to the final four with Jerri, and the rest of you can just kiss his ass.

[The jury starts to revolt. Loud screaming and booing fill the Tribal Council set. People start throwing things again.]

Jeff [over the booing]: I'm sorry but these are the rules of Survivor!

[Debris and large chunks of metal come flying out of the jury box towards Russell and Jeff. Now Courtney comes hurtling out of the stands as well. Again, someone has literally thrown her. This is quickly followed by somebody throwing Danielle. Now things are getting ugly.]

Rupert [heard off camera]: Heroes don't need to cheat, Jeff!

Jeff [over the noise]:  Jerri and Russell are immune! Everyone else is vulnerable. Let's get to the vote.

[More booing.]

Jeff: Donaldson, you're up first.

[Nothing happens.]

[Jeff looks over at Colby. Unfortunately, at some point during Tribal Council, Colby has simply fallen asleep. He is now dozing on the ground, mouth wide open, snoring.]

Jeff [sighing]: Jerri, please reach over and wake him up.

Parvati [excitedly]: Oh! Can I do it? I know a good way to wake a guy up.

Jeff: Um... no. (pause) Jerri?

[Jerri reaches over and shakes Colby awake.]

[Colby slowly sits up amidst the booing and the flying debris. He has no idea where he is. He looks a little confused.]

Jeff:  Colby?

Colby [sleepily]: Yeah?

Jeff:  Can you go cast a vote now?

Colby:  Do I have to?  I'm kind of comfortable. (yawning)  How about they all just vote for me?

[Jeff just slumps his shoulders and sighs.]


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