MARQUESAS FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza
Jeff: Hello, and welcome back to Tribal Council. I know you guys have been through a lot, but you've made it to the final four. You're here. And now, we have a little game for you. First, let me bring in our jury.
[The jury files in. First John, then Zoe, then Tammy, then Robert, then Paschal. Tammy is restrained with chains in a cage, like a wild animal. She is flanked by two handlers. Everyone takes their seat.]
Jeff: This game is called Fallen Comrades. It is designed to test your knowledge of those whom you have vanquished. To see how well you got to know those around you. I will be asking ten questions. Each correct answer will get you a point. The one with the most points at the end of the game will win immunity. And I don't need to tell you how crucial that can be at this point in the game. So please, everybody grab your pad of paper and your black pen.
Sean [angrily]: Why's it gotta be a BLACK pen, Jeff? What's up with that?
Jeff: Sean, just grab your pen and we'll be ready to go.
Sean: Why's it always be a BLACK pen doin' all the work? Slavery's been outlawed, Jeff Probst, why can't the WHITE pens do any of the writing?
Jeff: Sean, we've been over this before. There's no racism here at Tribal Council. Question number one...
John [Interrupting]: Uh, Jeff. Can I ask a question?
Jeff: John, you aren't supposed to speak in the jury.
John: Yeah, but I got a splinter. Can someobody pee on me?
Jeff [exasperated]: John, you ask at EVERY TRIBAL council for a female to pee on you. It's not gonna happen, buddy. Kathy peed on you once, and that's all you get.
John: C'mon, man. Zoe and Tammy peed on me back at the lodge. But Neleh and Vecepia still haven't. Please?
Jeff [ignoring him]: Question #1: What was Rob Mariano's favorite movie? [waits for them to write answers]. Okay, let's read them.
Sean: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Neleh: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Kathy: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Vecepia: Nympho Sluts, volume 4
Jeff: Well, you all got it wrong. The correct answer is "The Godfather." Amazing that you all guessed the same movie. But "Nympho Sluts, Volume 4" is incorrect.
Sean: No, it isn't, bro. Rob was really into porn.
Jeff: He was?
Neleh: Oh, HECK yes.
Kathy [loudly laughing]: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
Jeff: Okay, we will give you each a point for that one.
Vecepia: Thank you, Jesus! Yes! Praise Jesus! [starts dancing around, pumping her fist in the air] God is great!
[Jeff waits for her to finish. It takes a few seconds for her celebration to end. Then he reads question #2]
Jeff: Question #2: What was the name of the fisherwoman from Maine? She ran her own boat and didn't say much.
[All four contestants look blankly at him. No one knows.]
Jeff: She was in Rotu. She was part of John's Alliance...? Anyone?
[They all look at each other. Kathy shrugs]
Jeff: C'mon guys. She is sitting in the jury. Anyone remember her? [no response] Just start writing something, c'mon guys. She had the same name as one of the Muppets.
Sean: Cookie Monster?
Kathy: Nick. The black guy. Wasn't he in Rotu? HAW HAW HAW.
Vecepia: Wasn't that Nick Brown?
Jeff: I'm sorry. It was... it was... um... [looks down to read off his notecard] Zoe. No points for that one. Okay, Question #3: Why did John ask Kathy to pee on him?
[shot of John looking very proud]
Sean: He had a split end
Neleh: To purify his spirit
Kathy: He was sad that day
Vecepia: In memory of September 11th
Jeff: You are all correct. John asked Kathy to pee on him over seventy times, before hitting the jackpot with his "sea urchin" story.
[Robert reaches over and high-fives John in the jury]
Vecepia: Yes! Thank you, Jesus! Praise God! [She pumps her fist in the air, raising his arms to the Heavens] We love you, Jesus!
Jeff [after waiting for her to finish]: Okay, that's two points for everybody. Question #4: What is the best way to catch a pig?
Sean: Force the black man to catch it
Kathy: Don't ask Robert or John. HAW HAW HAW.
Vecepia: Ask Jesus to deliver it to you.
Neleh: Impale it on a dull spear, then tear its still beating heart out of it, and watch it die a slow agonizing death, while you inherit its inner life force. Then bask in the afterglow of sweet death, while you plan your next kill. And kill again you must.
Jeff [stunned]: Wow, you ARE more ruthless than we thought.
Neleh: Oh, heck, it'd be fun, like Disneyland! [giggle]
Jeff: Ok, no points for that one. Question #5: According to Peter, how many holes are there in the human body?
Kathy: That question is so WEIRRRRRD! HAW HAW HAW (she actually writes "HAW HAW HAW")
Neleh: Who is Peter?
Jeff: Okay, sorry, that one was just gross. Moving on, here is Question #6: Robert has a tattoo that says "The General." Where is this tattoo located?
Sean: On his little sausage.
Kathy: On his little sausage.
Vecepia: On his arm.
Neleh: Little sausage.
Jeff: Funny, you guys. But it was on his arm. Only Vee gets a point.
Vee: Yes! Thank you, Jesus! [she leaps up and hugs all the members of the jury] Praise Jesus, Jesus is great! [Pumps her fist in the air.]
Jeff [waits for her to finish and sit down]: Okay, we have a new rule here at Tribal Council. NO LEAVING YOUR SEAT TO CELEBRATE!
John [interrupting Jeff]: Hey Jeff, I just got another no-no bite. Can somebody pee on me?
Jeff [ignoring him]: Here is question #7: What was John's nickname on Rotu?
Sean: Johnny Number One
Kathy: Urine Fetish Guy
Vecepia: Johnny Golden Showers
Neleh: Johnny Pans and Pots
Jeff: All those are correct, except for Neleh. Neleh, it was "pots and pans." You got the words backwards, you don't get a point.
Neleh [furious]: That's not fair!
Jeff: I'm sorry.
Neleh: Go heck yourself, motherhecker.
Jeff [glaring at her]: One point for the rest of you. [Vee starts to stand up] Vee, sit DOWN! Celebrate in silence.
[Vecepia pumps her fist quietly, often pointing to her heart and then to the sky]
Jeff: Question #8: Who was the best looking female in Rotu?
Neleh: [writes her own name, in a big heart]
Kathy: KAT! HAW HAW HAW [Once again, writes out "HAW HAW HAW"]
Vecepia: Paschal's Wife
[Tammy snarls and tries to leap at Sean. Her chains restrain her, and her handlers struggle to get her back to a sitting position.]
Sean: That's a RACIST question, Jeff Probst! Why you gotta play that way?
Jeff [ignoring him]: One point for Neleh and Kathy. Question #9: What Branch of the Service was Hunter Ellis in?
Kathy: He was such a STUDDDDD!
Neleh: Being dreamy
Jeff: One point for Vee. Although Sean, that was pretty clever.
Vecepia [pointing to the sky]: Jesus, that was for you! Jesus, we love you, thank you, God! [pumps her fist repeatedly in victory.]
Jeff: Vee, stop it. I'm telling you. Just stop it.
[Vee is insulted. She stands up to leave.]
Jeff: Where are you going?
Vee: Too much DRAMA here! [She walks away and leaves the game]
Kathy: HAW HAW HAW!
Neleh: Oh my heck!
Jeff [looking around to see if someone will tell him how to handle this] Uh... okay. I guess we just go to question #10: Which Maraamu members joined Rotu at the twist?
Sean: Nobody did. We split into three teams.
Neleh: None did. Paschal fell off a horse and broke his collarbone.
Kathy: Sean, Vecepia and Rob.
Jeff: One point for Kathy. The other two were wrong.
Neleh: Heck that.
Sean: That game was racist!
Kathy: HAW HAW HAW!
Jeff: Kathy, you are the winner, you win immunity this week.
Kathy [jumping up and yelling at the top of her voice]: YEAHHHHHHH! YEAHHH BABY! [She runs wildly at Jeff Probst, intending to jump on him and hug him]
[Jeff sees her running at him and his eyes get real wide with fear.]
Jeff: Kathy... no! Kathy... NO! STAY AWAY! [He turns to run away, and she chases him around the jury box. They go round and round] NO JUMPING ON THE HOST! STAY AWAY FROM ME, WOMAN!
Kathy: Come here Jeff! Gimme a HUG! YEAHHHH!!!
Jeff [out of breath from running]: As soon as we get Kathy to calm down we will have our vote! Neleh, you are up first, go find Vee and vote for somebody! [narrowly avoiding Kathy] Burnett, help me! She's crazy, get her away from me!
John [calling out as we fade to commercial]: I'll help you Jeff, but you have to pee on me.