PEARL ISLANDS FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza
[Open with an overhead shot of Tribal Council. We then cut to the interior, where the final four Tribal Council is about to take place.]
Jeff: Welcome guys. Please take a seat.
[One by one, the final four players all walk in and take their seats.]
[Lill walks in first. She is clad in a Boy Scout Uniform and panties, a pout on her face. She looks very guilty to be here. The moment she sits down, she immediately bursts into tears.]
[Darrah walks in second. Her top has slipped down and her chest is blurred and pixelated so we can not see it. She enters silently, says nothing, and sits down. She smiles at Lill, which causes Lill to smile back and then burst into tears once again.]
[Jon walks in third. He appears to be very cocky, strutting all the way to his seat with his traditional "F and Y" finger gestures. He has a big grin on his face and preens and mugs for the camera as he walks. He sits down next to Darrah and suavely puts his hand on her thigh. Darrah doesn't seem to notice, and this causes Lill to sob uncontrollably.]
[Sandra walks in fourth. She has an angry scowl on her face as she walks in. She sits down next to Jon and the two of them exchange pleasantries.]
Jon [under his breath]: F*** you.
Sandra [NOT under her breath]: NO! F*** YOU! TALK TO ME AGAIN AND I SWEAR I'M GONNA RIP YOUR F***ING HEART OUT, YOU RONALD MCDONALD HAIR-CUTTED LITTLE S***! JUST KEEP IT UP, YOU HIGH-SOCK WEARING MOTHERF***ER!
Jon [dismissing her]: Yeah, whatever, affirmative action casting choice.
Sandra [getting up in his face]: THAT'S IT! JEFF, I'M GONNA F***ING TEAR THIS F*** A NEW F***ING A**HOLE. JUST KEEP PUSHING ME, I DARE YOU TO, MOTHERF***ER!
Jon [staying calm to bait her even further]: Would you shut the F*** up? Jesus!
Jeff [not even phased by this anymore]: And as always, we have a special rule here at Tribal Council. Jon and Sandra are now in timeout and will have to sit on opposite ends. [glaring at the two of them] Away from each other. Like we agreed.
[Jeff motions to Jon, but Jon isn't going anywhere. He doesn't want to give up his seat next to Darrah. He simply looks at Jeff, smiles, and shakes his head.]
Jon [grinning]: The young people sit on THIS side, Jeff. Johnny Fairplay's side. Old people sit down there. [He motions down towards Lill.]
[Sandra stands up and cocks back her fist. She is just kidding but Jon is terrified and shrieks like a woman. Laughing, Sandra walks over to sit next to Lill... who is still in tears and doesn't seem to notice. As Sandra sits down Jon leers at her and gives her the middle finger.]
Jeff [once the drama has settled down]: Hello, and welcome back to Tribal Council. [He smiles, and nods to the four players.] But before we start, let's bring in our jurors.
[The jury files in, one by one.]
[Rupert Boneham walks in first, and all cameras are suddenly focused on him. Per CBS policy, we will follow Rupert's every movement throughout the entire Tribal Council. We see him walk over... sit down... sigh heavily... and then glare at the final four. We don't even see the other jurors file in. The camera stays on Rupert the entire time as they sit down around him.]
Jeff: Well, the jurors are here and we are now ready to begin.
[Jeff is speaking, but we aren't seeing him on screen. The camera is still focused on Rupert. We get a long, unbroken 2-minute closeup of Rupert's face as Jeff speaks. The only other thing we see is Christa's knee, just visible behind Rupert to the left. But Jeff doesn't notice that he isn't on camera. He continues to speak, off-screen.]
Jeff: Our Immunity Challenge tonight is called Fallen Comrades. And it will test how well you know those who have been voted out of the game... how much you learned about them from your time together... and how well you really got to know them.
[Rupert looks pained. He looks up to the skies and sighs heavily. He looks very upset by all this. But the camera stays on him as Jeff continues.]
Jeff [off-screen]: I'm going to ask you ten questions. And since this is the Pearl Islands, all of the questions will be about Rupert.
[Rupert sighs yet again. He takes a deep breath and looks sorrowfully at the ground. One of the other jurors reaches over and pats him on the knee. We don't know who it is, we just see a hand.]
Jeff [off-screen]: Okay, question number one...
Sandra [interrupting, off-screen]: Uh Jeff, why is the camera on Rupert? It's been on him ever since we started.
Jeff [off-screen]: Oh no, not again. [We hear him speaking to someone from the crew] Guys, could you at least film us too? Please? Important stuff happening here.
Sandra [screaming at the camera crew]: IT'S NOT ABOUT RUPERT ALL THE TIME!
[The screen goes black for a moment. A small message says "Technical Difficulties - please stand by." After about fifteen seconds we are back. Now the screen looks different. Rupert's face still dominates but we see Jeff Probst in a small window in the lower right corner. We now have a split screen.]
Jeff: Okay, question one...
Jon [interrupting]: Jeff, can I make a request?
Sandra [screaming]: SHUT UP AND LET HIM TALK, YOU COTTON CANDY HEAD MOTHER***ER! WE'RE PLAYING A GAME HERE!
Jon [ignoring her]: Jeff, I think I'm coming down with something. Can I sit this one out? [He fake coughs into his hand.]
Jeff [caught off guard]: Well, sure, if you want to. Why?
Jon: Well, it's just that I'm not very good at Fallen Comrades. I have a bad memory. And since I'm sick I don't think it's fair that I have to play. So is it okay if I go lay down? And maybe... Thunder Dan can come answer all my questions for me?
Jeff [after thinking about it for one millisecond]: Um, how about no.
Lill [still in tears]: Jeff, his GRANDMOTHER just died! Let him sit out if he wants! [She walks over and gives Jon a hug.] I vote for Jon to sit out. He hurts and he's in pain and we need to respect his wishes right now.
Tijuana [off-screen from the jury]: Me too. Let him sit out.
Burton [off-screen]: Come on, Probst! Give the guy a break!
Jeff [exasperated]: Fine. Jon can sit out. But I don't know why you think Thunder Dan is still here on the island. We shipped him out two weeks ago.
[Thunder Dan suddenly appears on stage to the left. He holds four fingers out on each hand and runs over to Jon. The two men embrace, excitedly.]
Jon: F*** yeah, dude! You made it!
Thunder Dan: I got you now, dude! They totally bought it!
Jon: Sweet! [he suddenly lapses into character] Oh and... *sniff*... How's grandma? [He starts to cry] Is she... Is she...?
Thunder Dan [laying a hand on Jon's shoulder]: I'm sorry, dude. She's still dead. I just came from the funeral home.
[Jon tries to cry but can't, so he just buries his face in his hands. This causes Lill to burst into tears again. Darrah looks a little sad but mostly just stares, numbly. In the split screen Rupert just sighs again... heavily... and looks up at the sky.]
Thunder Dan [once Jon has composed himself]: And I'm sorry, dude, but I got worse news too.
Jon [overacting]: Oh no! I can't take anything else! [He sobs and throws himself to the ground in agony]
Thunder Dan: They couldn't afford a casket, dude. They didn't have the money.
[A few sniffles are heard from the jury box. Only Sandra appears not to believe this. She just glares at Jon, as pissed off as ever.]
Jon [very sad]: How... how much will it cost for a casket? I don't think I have that kind of money...
Thunder Dan: A million dollars, dude. It will cost a million dollars.
Sandra [screaming]: OH COME ON! HE'S LYING! LOOK AT HIM! HE'S F***ING FAIRPLAY'S BUDDY! IT'S A SCAM! DON'T YOU PEOPLE FALL FOR THIS AGAIN!!
[Thunder Dan and Jon just sob and hug but no one else responds. No one knows what to say. And after a moment, Thunder Dan takes Jon's spot on the bench next to Darrah. Jon goes to lay on the grass, sobbing and wailing.]
Jeff: Okay... I think we're now set. [He looks around and sees no other interruptions]. Question #1. First question about Rupert. [He reads off a card] What state is Rupert from?
[The camera focuses on Rupert as the players write their answers. Rupert still looks royally pissed off. And again, he sighs... heavily. But after a moment, everyone is done writing.]
Jeff: Okay, reveal.
Darrah: (no answer)
Thunder Dan: Indiana
Jeff: Indiana is correct. One point for everyone except Darrah.
Jeff: ... and well done, Thunder Dan. I didn't know you knew Rupert that well.
Sandra [suspicious]: I think f***ing Fairplay is feeding him the answers over there.
Jon [angrily from the side]: Look, it's not about YOU, Sandra! My grandmother just f***ing died! We need money for a casket and I'm sitting here thinking about what I'm f***ng going to do about it. This is the worst f***ng day of my life!
Sandra [screaming]: DON'T YELL AT ME, YOU LITTLE S***! JEFF, I'M GONNA KILL HIM. LEMME DO IT!
[On our split screen we see Rupert sigh heavily once again... the weight of the world appears to be on his shoulders.]
Jeff [interrupting]: Question number TWO!
[The players quiet down now. Jon flips Sandra another middle finger and then resumes his grieving on the sidelines.]
Jeff: ... What is Rupert's favorite kind of soup?
[No one writes anything for a moment. It is quiet, and then Burton breaks the silence by cracking a joke from the jury box.]
Burton [laughing]: Just look in his beard. I bet there's still some left over there from lunch.
[Rupert turns around now, angrily. He glares at Burton. Burton simply points at Rupert and laughs at him, right in his face.]
Burton [pointing and laughing]: Ha ha!
Rupert: I cannot beLIEVE you just made dat joke.
Christa [with a cold]: Burtod, leab Ruperd alode.
Sandra: Hey Burton, try sitting on this side of the fire before you crack jokes, you hairy-a** motherf***er.
[Rupert calms down now... and the game resumes. The players try to guess Rupert's favorite kind of soup.]
Sandra: No clue
Lill: No idea
Darrah: (no answer)
Thunder Dan: The chowder with the little honks'a CLAAAAAAAM and the chunks'a poTAto.
Jeff [impressed]: Wow, Thunder Dan with another point. And you wrote it almost word for word like Rupert did on his bio. Well done. One point for Thunder Dan.
Darrah [frustrated]: Dadwangit.
Lill [finally stopped crying]: Oh, I'm so happy for you, Thunder Dan! Grandma Dalton will really appreciate you doing this.
Sandra [still suspicious]: I'm tellin' you Fairplay is up to somethin', Jeff. I can feel it.
[Lill hears this and starts to cry again]
Lill [sobbing]: Oh nooo. Not Jon. He wouldn't do that.
Jon [offended]: Sandra, I'm in agony over here! Please... I'm begging you... for the sake of my grandma and my family... show some respect and just shut the f*** up.
Sandra [angrily]: That's it!
[She rears back and hurls her tablet at Jon. It strikes him between the eyes with a loud crack. Since Jon weighs 93 pounds it also sends him careening backwards into a tree.]
Jeff [furious]: Sandra!
Sandra [suddenly contrite]: I'm sorry Jeff. I'm just... Jon's an idiot. It's all good. You know it's all good.
Sandra's tablet is retrieved and we move on to question number three.
Jeff: Question three. How many fish did Rupert catch on his first day at Drake?
[We pan to the jury again and Rupert is happily munching on a plate of fish. Jeff is confused and stops the game for a moment.]
Jeff: Hang on a second. [confused] Rupert, where did you get that fish?
Rupert: I caught it.
Rupert [growling]: Right now.
Jeff: From the jury box??
Rupert [more growling]: Yeah. I got my spear.
[He reaches down and pulls up his spear. Two dead fish are still impaled on its tip. He pulls them off and dumps them into a bucket, where several other newly-caught fish now rest.]
Christa: Ruperd cad catch fish anywhed, Jep.
[Rupert hands the fish out to the jury members as Jeff looks on, incredulous.]
Jeff: Well... I...
[Jeff tries to get back to the game but suddenly sees Sandra cheating. She has apparently snuck up behind Thunder Dan and is trying to read his answer.]
Jeff: Sandra! Come on! What are you doing?
Sandra [off-camera, from behind the other players]: It's all good, Jeff.
Jeff: No it is NOT all good. Get out from behind there!
[Sandra comes back to her seat and starts screaming at Jeff.]
Sandra [screaming]: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU, JEFF PROBST? YOU THINK THIS IS YOUR SHOW?? WELL I'LL KICK YOUR A** TOO, YOU DIMPLE-FACED BORING MOTHERF***ER! IT'S NOT F***ING ABOUT YOU, EITHER!
[The air is silent as everyone waits for Jeff's response. No one has ever dared to insult him before. Lill is horrified by this latest outburst and begins to cry again. Darrah stares, numbly.]
Lill [sobbing loudly]: I should have let her cheat off me. I know it. I just know it. She asked... and I wouldn't let her. Oh, I hate this game!
Jeff [after gathering his thoughts]: Well let me tell you this... Sandra. It may not be about me. It may not be about Jon. It may not be about Rupert. But please tell me... [he grins now] Who the f*** is it about? Because I'd really like to know. [He starts to get angry now] YOU tell ME who the f*** it is about! Who are we talking about here??
[Sandra scowls at him. She looks furious.]
[Jeff glares back at her.]
[Finally Sandra's face softens. Now she smiles, sweetly.]
Sandra: It's all good Jeff. I gotcha. You the man.
Jeff: Thank you.
[From the sidelines, Jon sees this and can't pass up one last chance to needle Sandra.]
Jon: Way to back down, badass. F*** you.
Sandra: THAT'S IT! MOTHERF***ER, YOU'RE DEAD!
[She stands up and walks over to Jon. He tries to get away but she is too fast. She picks him up and starts to throttle him, like a rag doll. Jon's blond mane bounces up and down, like a bobblehead, as Sandra drags his 93 pound body off into the forest.]
Jon [being dragged away]: ... But... grandma's casket!
Sandra [receding into the trees]: F*** your grandma. They can bury you with her. I'll buy one for both of you.
[Jon and Sandra are soon gone, although we hear his anguished screams every so often from off-camera.]
Jeff: Well. So much for that.
Jeff: Well, we can't really do this with three people. We need a fourth. Any of the jurors want to come back into the game?
[Lill's hand shoots up. She has apparently forgetten that she is already in the game.]
Lill [angrily]: I want to show those sons of bitches what I can do. They wrote me off. I want my revenge.
Rupert [growling angrily from the jury box]: YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE GAAAAAME! YOU ALREADY GOT TO PLAAAAAAY. YOU'RE IN THE FINAL FOURRRRRR!
Lill [confused]: I am? Did I get my revenge?
Rupert [bellowing]: YESSSSS!! YOU VOTED THEM ALL OUTTTTT! SAVAGE STARTED TO CRYYYYYY!
Lill [happily clapping]: Yay! [She gets so emotional she starts to cry again, this time tears of joy. Her pout turns somewhat upwards... so it now resembles a grimace.]
Burton [hopefully]: Hey Jeff... can I come back again? I promise I won't lie to anyone.
Jeff: NO! You got your chance! Someone else!
[All eyes suddenly turn towards Rupert, who sits front and center in the jury box. He sighs again... heavily.]
Jeff: Rupert? Care to join us?
[The set is hushed as Rupert stands up. He glares for a second and then smiles, like a little kid.]
[In the background we hear CBS playing the triumphant "Rupert's Theme." Suddenly we know what is about to happen.]
[Trumpets blare as Rupert happily thrusts his fists in the air. As always, he is very low key with his emotions.]
Rupert [looking skywards and bellowing]: Oh, mighty Odin, I take this fist of glory and I raise it to you! THE HEAVENS SHALL BE AVENGED FOR MY UNTIMELY DEMISE! [He pounds his fist against his chest and starts yelling at the sky] THE GODS SHALL BE SATIATED WHEN I BRING FORTH MY UNTOLD WARHAMMER UPON MY ENEMIES! THE PIRATES SHALL TRULY RULE THE DAY, MIGHTY ODIN, THIS I PROMISE YOU!!! [Now he bellows skywards] ROARRRRRRR!!!!!! ARRRRGGHHHH!!!! EEEEEYAHHHHH!!!!
[Trees start to crack and braches fall under the force of Rupert's mighty war cry. Then with a another triumphant blare of trumpets in the background, he strides over to rejoin the game.]
[Lights flash on the screen: "RUPERT IS BACK!" "RUPERT IS BACK!" "RUPERT IS BACK!" and an applause track is cued to lead the viewers at home in a roaring ovation for their fallen hero. Fireworks shoot off in the background and the entire Tribal Council set is now awash in beautiful and spectacular color. Glittering flares behind Jeff suddenly explode and spell Rupert's name across the sky.]
[After a moment, the music dies down and Rupert takes his seat. He goes to the far end... to sit next to Thunder Dan.]
Rupert [glaring at the trembling young man next to him]: Hi. I'm Rupert. [He puts his hand on Dan's shoulder] May I sit here?
[With a growl, Rupert sits down anyway, and poor Thunder Dan is terrified. He immediately lays down his tablet and quits the game.]
Thunder Dan [panicky]: I'm sorry... I... it was just for fun, you guys! And it was Jon's idea. It was his idea! His grandma isn't even dead. It was a lie! She's in on it too! She's right over there, hiding in the trees!
[He points over to some bushes, where a figure crouches down in the darkness. The woman in the bushes now stands up, guiltily. It is Grandma Dalton. You can tell because of the big mane of curly blonde hair.]
Lill [ecstatic]: She's okay! She's not dead! Someone tell Jon, he will be so happy! [she sobs, happily]
Jeff [upset]: Grandma Dalton, were you in on this whole thing? This whole... sick joke?
Grandma Dalton [she speaks slowly and is very contrite]: Yes... yes I was. I did it for Johnny. I'm so, so sorry.
Jeff: Well, can you go out there and see if he's okay? I think Sandra may have injured him somehow. In fact, there may not be much left of him.
Grandma Dalton [speaking very slowly]: Yes, yes, I will. Again, I'm so sorry about this. I won't bother you nice people again.
[She turns to walk away. She walks slowly, with a slight limp. At the edge of the forest she suddenly turns around. With a big grin on her face, she addresses the players.]
Grandma Dalton [in her best Hulk Hogan impression]: And whatcha gonna do. I say whatcha gonna do when Daltonmania comes down on you, suckas?? Booyah!
[She flashes her fingers out into the F and Y gesture and then disappears into the forest, cursing them out. The players all sit in stunned silence, mouths agape.]
Jeff [after an few moments of silence]: Well... should we finish this up?
Thunder Dan: Yeah, but I quit already.
Rupert [leaning in close to bellow]: And now you should GOOOOO AWAAAAAAAAY.
[Rupert roars in Thunder Dan's face and the terrified young man slumps to the ground, passed out. Rupert may have literally frightened him to death.]
Jeff: So. Now, where were we?
Burton: I think you were asking Rupert questions about himself in a game that no one else can possibly win now. That's where we were.
Darrah [numbly]: Yeah.
Christa: Why dontcha just gib hib imbunidy, Jep? Just gib it to hib.
Lill [happily crying now]: Oh, that would make me so happy. I love that man!
Rupert [bellowing]: BY THE GODS, YES, I WOULD ACCEPT THIS GLORIOUS GIFT! [He roars at the sky again] YESSSSSSS!
Jeff [giving up]: Fine. Rupert, you want immunity? You got it.
["Rupert's Theme" starts to play again as the scene erupts into celebration. Confetti falls from the sky as Rupert bounds up to the poidum like an overeager St. Bernard. He grabs Jeff in a huge bear hug and kisses him on the cheek. It looks like the scene in the Goonies when Sloth kisses Chunk. Jeff appears to be very, very frightened.]
Rupert [bellowing]: I LOVE THIS MAN! JEFF PROBST, YOU COMPLETE ME!
[Rupert straps the immunity sword across his chest and stands proudly. The entire cast and crew stand around and applaud him as he thrusts his fists into the air. Lill stands to one side, happily crying and cheering. Christa comes up to Rupert and congratulates him by talking baby talk.]
Christa: Dud Ruperd want imbunidy? Dud he? Dud big ol' Ruperd want imbunidy?
Rupert [reciprocating]: Yes, Rupie did. Rupie wuvs his mean ol' pirate sword. Is Chwista pwoud? Does Chwista wuv her Rupie?
Christa: Chwista does! Chwista wuvs Wuperd!
[The two of them cuddle and giggle as the crew stands around and cheers. The only one not involved in the celebration is Darrah, who is writing something on her tablet. She thinks this was question #4.]
Darrah [looking up]: What?
Jeff: We're done. Rupert won immunity.
Jeff: It's time to vote. You're up first.
Darrah [standing up]: 'Kay.
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