THAILAND FALLEN COMRADES
by Mario Lanza
[Jeff Probst sits across from the final four. Brian and Jan sit in the front, Ted and Clay sit in the back.]
Jeff: Hello, and welcome back to Tribal Council. I know you guys have been through a lot, but you've made it to the final four. You've reached the end. And now, we have a little game for you. But first, let me bring in our jury.
[The jury files in. First Erin, then Penny, then Jake, then Helen. Ken is last. Everyone stands to applaud as Ken arrives and does not stop until he is seated.]
Jeff: This game is called Fallen Comrades. It is designed to test your knowledge of those whom you have vanquished, to see how well you got to know those around you. I will be asking ten questions. Each correct answer will get you a point, and the one with the most points at the end of the game will win immunity. And I don't need to tell you how crucial that can be at this point in the game. So please, everybody grab your pad of paper and your pen.
Clay [piping up]: Uh, excuse me, Jeff?
Jeff: Yes, Clay, you have a problem?
Clay: Aw hell, I cain't see! [He strains his neck, trying to see above Jan.] I cain't see you!
Jeff: I'm sorry, I forgot. [He motions to the camera crew and one of them runs out with a big plastic booster seat. It is placed down on the bench and Clay sits upon it.]
Clay: Thanks, buddy. [He starts to strain his neck again] But I still cain't see you! It aint high enough! This in't fair!
Jeff: Okay. Guys? [He motions again to the camera crew. One of them runs over with a phone book and places it on top of the booster seat. Clay sits atop them both, and now his head peeks just over Jan.] High enough?
Clay: Hell, it's grayte! [Gives a big thumbs up]
[Jan starts to cry.]
Jan: That was so sad. Claiye couldn't see. [Sniffle]
Jeff [ignoring her]: Okay, let's start. Question #1: Who was the lady that Ted was accused of grinding? [waits for them to write answers]. Oh, and Clay, no more nicknames.
Clay: Damnit. [He quickly scribbles out his answer and writes another one.]
Ted: That Diva Beeotch
Jeff: You are all correct. They are all right answers, nicely done.
Ted [hurt]: Hey, I've never even MET Stephanie!
Jeff: Sorry, buddy. She accused you of it too.
Ted: And Amber wasn't even in this CAST!
Jeff: Again, that was the word on Ogakor Beach. Mad Dog also filed a complaint. They knew you back then, mister Easy Hands McGee. Now, moving along to question two...
Ken [interrupting from the jury]: He done grinded me too.
[Everyone stands and applauds until Ken finishes speaking.]
Jeff [glaring at them]: STOP with the applauding, please. And Ken, please no speaking in the jury. Now, Question #2. What is Robb Zbacnik's favorite movie?
Ted: Gumby's Christmas Surprise
Brian: Dude, Where's my Car?
Clay: Dick and Jane meet Spot
Jan: The Olsen Twins go to Paris
Jeff [wincing]: Oh, so close. The correct answer is "The Joy Luck Club," an emotional story about the lives of four Chinese women, and their struggles to make it in a cold, harsh world. Although I also would have accepted "The Bob the Builder Movie" or "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York."
Jan [crying]: Oh that poor Macauley Culkin, lost alone in New York. That was so sad. [sniffling]
Ted [incredulous]: Robb liked the Joy Luck Club??
Robb: That's right, dude, I totally snowed you all!
[Robb Zbacnik comes walking in from off camera. He points at the final four and laughs, taunting them.]
Robb: You aint seen the sensitive side of the Robbster. I'm deep, bro, you better believe it. I'm also a softie, and I loves me them Chinese honeys. Yeah, baby, me love em all. [He nods his head and winks, suggestively.] You know what I'm talkin' about, all of y'all do.
Jeff: Robbert Francis Zbacnik! You get back to the lodge, we have told you repeatedly to stay there and watch cartoons.
Robb [whining]: But it was a commercial, and I had to pee. [He crosses his legs and bends down slightly with a wince on his face, the classic child's "I have to pee" stance.]
Jeff: Well, go get Jed to help you undo the snaps. And when I get back, if you are good you can have some tater tots.
Robb: Yay! Tater tots! [taunting the jury] Tater tots for me, tater tots for me, you all can kiss my butt. Nyah nyah.
Jeff: That's enough, go back, Robb.
[Robb turns and leaves, skipping happily back to the lodge.]
Jeff: Okay, enough of that. Sorry for the delays. Now, Question #3: What is Jake's job in real life?
Clay: Smooth pimp daddy
Brian: Porn Star
Jan: Land Broker
Ted: Canoe Smasher
Jeff: Okay, a point for Jan. Brian, you thought he was a porn star?
Brian: I'm sorry, I thought you said "Jack." I got him confused with an actor friend of mine, a guy named "Jack Hoff." My bad.
Jeff: Question #4: What New York City borough is Ken a police offer in?
[Everyone stands to applaud. It goes on a long time, Ted and Clay whistle in appreciation.]
Jeff: Okay, guys, enough. We get it. What borough is Ken a cop in?
[Everyone stands to applaud again. Jeff yells over them.]
Jeff: STOP! Okay, new rule! No more mentioning of K... of his name. We'll just skip that question altogether, and no more references to him, okay?
[Everyone sits down, except a "Thud" is heard from the final four. Jeff looks over and Clay is missing.]
Clay: Aw, hell!
Jeff [confused]: Where did Clay go?
Clay: Aw, hell, I fell off. My booster seat tipped over. Come pick me up!
[Ted walks over and retrieves Clay from the ground. He is covered with dirt. Ted places him back on his seat and Clay flashes him a thumbs up.]
[Jan starts crying]
Jan: That was so sad, when Claiye fell over. [sniffle]
Jeff: Okay, question #5... [reads his card]... is about the cop, we will skip it. Question #6 [reads] also about the cop, we'll skip it. In fact... [he reads them all.] We'll just skip to the final question, okay? Save us some time.
[Another thud is heard, this time from the jury. Jeff looks over there.]
Jeff [exasperated]: NOW what?
Penny: It's Erin, she tipped over. She can't get up.
Clay [excited]: Hoooooo-weeee! Look at that fine ass! Humm, baby!
Jeff: Erin, we have repeatedly warned you not to lean one way or another in any direction, you know what happens. Can someone help her up?
[All the guys raise their hands. Clay is particularly excited, jumping up and down, raising both hands and whistling.]
Clay: Please! Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!
Jeff [ignoring him]: Ted, you go help her up.
Clay [angry]: Aw, hellfire!
[Ted helps her stand back up and positions her so she stands exactly upright. She smiles and thanks him.]
Jeff: Now, no more leaning.
Erin: Jeff, Ted grinded me when he picked me up.
Ted [mad]: No WAY! I was only there for like two seconds!
Erin: He's quick, Jeff.
Helen [raising her hand]: He grinded me too, and I was at the other end of the jury bench.
Jeff: OKAY! ENOUGH! TED, NO STEALTH GRINDING!
[Ted sulks and goes back to his seat. Jan is crying, saddened by Erin's fall.]
Jeff: Question #10: And this one is a little different. Your loved ones from home will be answering this question, we have their answers on video.
Brian: Oh, crap. Uh, Jeff, do we have to do this?
Jeff: I'm sorry, Brian, those are the rules.
Clay: Besides, I want to get a look at Brian's hot little piece of wife again. Hoooooo babee!
Brian [queasy]: I feel sick.
Jeff: Okay, the question is, why do you think your loved one is the best choice to win this game? Write down your answers, and we will see if your loved one said the same thing.
Brian: Uh, if I know my wife's answer is wrong, do we have to watch? Can we just say I missed it?
Jeff [big evil grin]: Sorry, Brian. Here we go, release C.C.!
[Brian closes his eyes and turns away.]
[A video starts playing of Brian's wife. She is wearing a huge mink coat and carrying a briefcase full of cash. A Monet hangs on the wall behind her.]
C.C.: Hi honey! Look, my new mink coat came in the mail, and here's your briefcase of money! When you get home, we can go drive through the poor section of town and taunt the homeless again!
[Brian moans. Helen and the jury glare at him.]
C.C.: Now, why do I think Brian should win? Hmmm... well it obviously isn't because of his massive hatred of children and animals... hmmm...
Brian [starting to cry]: Please, Jeff, just stop her.
C.C.: It must be because of the way he is innately superior to all people from the South, teachers, and police officers. He often says that.
Brian: Oh, crap. [Ken stands up, and starts clenching his fists. Clay and Ted look mad, and even Jan has stopped crying. She now just looks confused.]
[Brian stands up to run, and Ken, Ted and Helen start chasing him. They all flee into the jungle after him. Clay tries to, but his booster seat falls over and he topples again. He ends up stuck in a tall patch of grass.]
Clay: Aw, hell!
Jan [sobbing]: Poor Brian. That was so sad.
Jeff: Well, I guess that ends this Tribal Council. Jan, as the only member still seated, you win immunity. Once the rest come back, you guys can vote.
Jan [happy]: I'll drink to that!
[As the Survivor music starts up, Robb again appears from the jungle. He is angry.]
Robb: Jeff, please come back, dude! Shii Ann took my legos and won't give them back. She's being mean and hitting!
Jeff: Robb, go back! You are out of this game!
Clay [calling out as we fade to commercial]: Someone pick me up, I'm still stuck down here! Helllp!