18. Sandra's Potty Mouth

Out of all the Survivor winners, there have been only two "moms" who eventually took home the grand prize.

The first, of course, was Australia's Tina Wesson. You remember Tina, don't you? Sweet, moral, maternal, outwardly religious. Tina was the type of person you would think of when you think of a "Survivor mom." She was the mother hen of the Ogakor tribe-- the courageous middle-aged woman who would never say die-- and her victory in Survivor: The Australia Outback helped erase a lot of the negativity left over from Richard and his shenanigans from the first season. Tina's win made the series seem fresh and alive and good, and for that reason I've always felt that Tina was probably the most important Survivor winner of them all.

In contrast, the only other mom to win Survivor was Sandra Diaz-Twine. And her favorite word was "motherfucker."

Kind of an interesting dichotomy, wouldn't you say?

I'll come right out and say that Sandra is my favorite female player of all time. I know that will surprise a lot of people, since I said that Tina was my favorite for years, but over time I have realized that you just can't beat Sandra Diaz-Twine. Well sure, you could beat her if you wanted to, I suppose. But if you did, odds are that Sandra would probably beat you right back. With a stick. And she would swear very loudly while she was doing it. And it's that never-say-die "You fucked me, now fuck you, motherfucker!" spirit that makes me realize Sandra is really my all-time favorite. There has never been another woman on the show who entertained me quite as much as she did.

(Note: I'm not saying that Sandra is the best player of all time. I'm just saying she's the most entertaining. Although I would rank her in the top five female players of all time. Someday I'll write a column explaining why.)

I will never forget our introduction to Sandra in Pearl Islands. She got the very first confessional of the season. She was sitting on a rock by the beach, and the first thing that came out of her mouth was "Ohhhhh shit." And honestly that's my favorite opening confessional to ever start a Survivor season. Sure, I've always loved James Miller's "Jeff is a son of a bitch" confessional from Palau, but for my money nothing beats a sassy 29-year old mom starting off the season by saying "Ohhhhh shit." Because not only was this quote funny and unexpected, it also became an excellent warm-up for the language that would be coming out of Sandra's mouth throughout the Pearl Islands season.

(Note: I've always been impressed that the producers picked Sandra as the confessional to open the season. I mean, out of all the larger-than-life characters in Pearl Islands, they chose Sandra (over Jon and Rupert!) as the first player we would actually hear speak. And I don't think it had anything to do with the fact that she was the eventual winner. I think it had more to do with the fact that the producers loved Sandra's potty mouth as much as I did. Like me, I bet they found her language funny as hell, and I bet they got as big a kick out of her as they did out of any of the players (even Rupert.) And that's why they chose her to open the season. That's my theory, anyway.)

So here's Sandra Diaz-Twine, a 29-year-old mother of two, and she gets to open the season with her now famous quote. And that wasn't her only good moment in the season premiere either. Sandra's ability to speak Spanish got the Drakes a lot of valuable items in the Panamanian fishing village, and by all measures she was probably the MVP of the Drake tribe in episode one. But the swearing quote is the moment I always remember. That's the moment that I think people should remember when they think "Sandra in episode one." Her famous quote came out of nowhere, it started the season off with a bang, and... most importantly... it set the tone for what we would come to expect from (as Jeff Probst would later call her) "the lippiest mother we've ever had on the show."

See, here's the thing. I don't have a whole lot of things to write about Sandra for this spot on the list. She doesn't have a lot of memorable quotes. She never went on a long soliloquy for the cameras. And she never had any great scenes where she did something special. So I don't have a whole lot of pictures or quotes or screen caps that I can show you for this particular entry.

All I can say is that Sandra's liberal use of the words "shit", "fuck", "ass" and "motherfucker" never failed to kill me when it came out of her mouth. She would throw those words around so casually, like she was at a cocktail party, and I would have to constantly remind myself that she was a mother of two. I'd have to constantly remind myself that Sandra is actually somebody's mom. And that means she was cast to fill the exact same Survivor demographic as Tina Wesson!

So here you have Sandra, yet another future Survivor mother winner. Yet... unlike Tina... she's not maternal, I wouldn't even begin to describe her as "motherly", and on top of that she has the worst potty mouth in the history of the show. And the incredible dichotomy of this fact never failed to crack me up. Why on earth would someone's mom curse more than Sam Kinison, Samuel L. Jackson, and Quentin Tarantino combined? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?? When I'm watching Sandra, why does my brain always feel like it is about to explode?

Mother of two... swearing..... like...... salty..... sailor

Brain patterns.... no longer.... work... like.... expected

Developed schemas.... no longer........ meaningful......... in any way.... shape or form

Sandra..... cursing...... has ruined....... my ability.......... to grasp motherhood

Must..... struggle............. to stay.......... sane

Seriously, that's it. I have nothing more to add to this entry. You either loved Sandra or you hated her, and honestly I have to say there has never been a funnier female in my opinion. She would just sit there with that mean little look on her face, and if she didn't like you she would drop an MF bomb on you. Oh, and she was also a mother of two.

How can you not find that funny?

So here's to Sandra Diaz-Twine, the winner of Pearl Islands, and the player I consider the funniest female they have ever had on the show. She couldn't run, she couldn't swim, she had no outdoor skills, and she called everybody a motherfucker. Yet she's the grand champion and the million dollar winner from Survivor: Pearl Islands.

I love this show sometimes.

P.S. Yes, I know that Vecepia is now a mother too. But she wasn't one when she won Marquesas. She had her baby about two years after the show, so she doesn't count.

P.P.S. This entry felt a little thin on content, so I decided to add on a little picture juxtaposition at the end, just for fun. It always cracked me up that the two mom winners (Tina and Sandra) were so incredibly different. I mean, there is literally nothing the two of them would ever have in common, aside from the fact that they once pushed babies out through their birth canal. So I thought it would be fun to switch some Tina and Sandra quotes from their respective seasons, just to see how funny it would be.

So anyway, this is what Tina would look like saying Sandra's quotes, and this is what Sandra would look like saying Tina's quotes. This should be pretty interesting.

And here we go.

"Poor little ol' Elisabeth is sitting there, trying to cook the rice. And Jerri made some comments about it. It hurt Elisabeth's feelings. Because here she is, trying to help the tribe. And then not to be appreciated for it, and to be judged, that's very hurtful."

"Where is that snake motherfucker, Jon? I tell you what, can't nobody trust that bitch right there. He will backstab you in a fucking heartbeat like he did everyone here."