The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#58. 260 pounds of Hatch
All-Stars - Multiple Episodes
This isn't one moment so much as it is a running joke. But it's absolutely one of the funniest subplots in Survivor: All-Stars. And that's actually saying something, because All-Stars is a surprisingly funny season, if nothing else. The fact that All-Stars has jokes based on past seasons is something that really makes it stand out on a comedic level.
And nowhere is it more evident than with the storyline of Richard Hatch.
Do you remember Richard Hatch? Of course you do. On the internet, and among casual Survivor fans, he is more or less considered a Survivor god. He is the grandfather of the game, he pretty much invented the game, and no one is more respected in terms of Survivor strategy. Among the casual Survivor fan, Richard Hatch is viewed with either reverential admiration or sneering derision. You either like him or you hate him. But one thing that remains constant is that people respect him. Even if you don't like Richard, you will probably begrudgingly admit that he was a fantastic Survivor player.
And that's what makes All-Stars so funny.
Why was All-Stars so funny? Well because it showcased the incredible difference between the way Survivor fans view Richard... and the way Survivor alumni view Richard. Because the two viewpoints could not possibly be further apart. By the way, in case you missed All-Stars, here is a quick recap of how the two opinions of Richard tend to break down:
Survivor fans: Richard is the (admittedly unlikable) genius who invented Survivor.
Survivor alumni: Richard is a fat guy with a little dick.
I know that's sort of a blunt analysis, but come on. That is the only way they portrayed Richard in All-Stars! Every comment made about him throughout the course of the season was either:
A) He's a big blustery blowhard
B) We're gonna take his ass down when we get the chance
C) He's fat
or D) He's hung like a squirrel
Richard's editing in All-Stars was so comical and so negative that if it had been anybody but Richard, I would have felt bad for the guy. Anybody else, and this moment would not be included on the list. But since Richard was such a fantastic sport about coming back for All-Stars, and because he seems to have a wonderful sense of humor about himself in general, I have to say that the jokes about Richard always cracked me up. Every time one of the Mogo Mogos made a joke about his body, it was one of the highlights of the episode. Especially when Colby did it. Colby was the unquestioned king of the Hatch joke, and it's why the first half of All-Stars is so much more fun than the second half. I think you can trace it all back to the repeated jokes that Richard Hatch is a large human being.
I can't run down every Hatch joke during All-Stars (there were a lot!), but I will try to point out my favorites. Because it's always fun to see how other Survivors view Richard (particularly because it's so jarringly different from the way Survivor fans tend to view him). So here we go. Sit back and enjoy:
Episode 1: Shii Ann is rendered speechless the first time she sees Richard walking around naked (below). Her shocked double take (and quick aversion of her eyes) always makes me laugh..
Episode 1: Richard pulls off his pants right before the first immunity challenge, and Jenna Morasca (standing right behind him) slumps her shoulders in anguished disgust. This is one of my favorite visual moments in All-Stars. You can actually feel her pain just by looking at her body language. Check it out.
Episode 2: Colby says that the worst thing about Richard walking around naked is the fact that everybody is actually getting comfortable with it.
"That's the spooky part!"
Episode 2: Lex tells us that the image of a naked, stumbling Richard Hatch "is hilarious."
Episode 3: Shii Ann tells us that Richard is very impressive in the water...
"But he's not so impressive down below."
Episode 3: Colby and Lex are building a new shelter, and Lex explains how the planks have to be extra strong "to support a 250 shark-catching gay fisherman."
Will Hatch actually fit up there?
Episode 3: Here is a great exchange of dialogue:
Colby: "When you have Richard Hatch on your team, there's a lot of love."
Lex: "Too much love."
Episode 3: Kathy is talking about the new shelter and she says, "I can't tell you if I like the front or the back better." And the editors decide to superimpose this quote over a shot of naked Richard scratching himself. Nicely done, editors. Nicely done.
"I can't tell you if I like the front or the back better."
Episode 4: Naked Richard catches two eels in the ocean and holds them up for all to see. Lex, of course, teases him by yelling out, "What's that one in the middle, Hatch? Is that your bait?"
"Is that your bait??"
Episode 5: In my opinion, here is the funniest quote ever said about Richard Hatch. The Mogo Mogos have to build a raft for a reward challenge and Colby tells us about one of the structural requirements. He says, "Not only does this raft have to carry Lex and Kathy and I and a normal human being, but it's gotta carry two-hundred sixty pounds'a Hatch."
"It's gotta carry two hundred sixty pounds'a Hatch."
Ha ha ha. Great quote. That's in my top twenty quotes ever said on Survivor. In my opinion it's even better than Colby's "Hershey Bar."
260 pounds of Hatch
So anyway that's how the other Survivors view Richard Hatch. To them, he's just a fat blustery guy with a little sausage. They won't even call him by name, they just repeatedly refer to him as "Hatch" (which for some reason always cracks me up.) Like I said, I wouldn't have included this moment if it was making fun of anybody but Richard Hatch. Anybody else and it would have seemed mean. But since Richard loves being over-the-top and memorable, I have to think he probably enjoyed the jokes as much as we did. And I have to think that if he's reading the internet in prison, he'll be laughing his ass off if he reads the Funny 115.
So anyway, thanks Richard for being a good sport. And thanks for walking around naked in front of your tribesmates. You almost single-handedly salvaged the All-Star season.
P.S. Of course I would be remiss if I didn't mention the two most famous "Richard is fat" jokes from Borneo. They didn't make this list on their own... but I know a lot of people will be happy to see me give them a shout out. So here you go:
"Rich is fat, but he's good."
"Go home and go get your liposuction and go catch more fish, 'cause you're bugging me!"
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