The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#70. Burton's pointing at my ass!
Pearl Islands - Episode 4
It's the fourth episode of Survivor: Pearl Islands and things are going very well for the Drakes. They have won every immunity challenge thus far, they are steamrolling the hapless Morgans, and it's a near-certainty that a Drake is going to win this game. Nothing can possibly stop them at this point.
The only problem is that not all is rosy among the ranks of the Drakes. There are problems brewing under the surface. Oh we may not have seen them yet, but there are definitely problems. For one, Jon and Sandra can't be within five feet of one another without a shouting match ensuing. They practically already have a dual restraining order against one another at this point.
The second big problem is that the Drakes are simply bored. This is a cutthroat bunch of players, you see. And it's killing them not to be able to vote people out of the game. Survivor without Tribal Council is not Survivor at all, and nowhere is it more evident than on the beaches of Camp Drake.
But the third problem around camp... oh this is where it starts to get frightening. This is where our blood starts to go cold. Because the third big problem in camp Drake is something so serious, so insidious, and so chilling... that it can only be described by the big man himself, Rupert Boneham. Only the sage and wise words of Rupert can properly convey the horror that awaited just underneath the lily-white surface of the Drake.
"So I'm standing there, and all of a sudden I turn around. And there's Burton pointing at my ass!"
That's right. Burton was pointing at his ass.
In all my years of watching Survivor, I can't think of a more ridiculous (yet endearing) image than that of Burton Roberts with his finger less than two feet from Rupert's ass crack. Burton is in hysterics, he's trying to get Jon to play along, and it's so incredibly first grade than I can't believe we actually saw it on TV. In fact it is one of my all-time favorite Survivor images. There's Rupert, in a skirt. There's Jon, looking on. And there's Burton, the ass-pointer. And he's leaning backwards and guffawing like a fucking James Bond villain.
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of the fact that Burton was mocking Rupert. I'm sure Rupert has had enough of that in his lifetime, so far be it from me to pile on more humiliation. No, what I am making fun of is the fact that Burton was literally pointing and laughing at somebody's ass-crack, like he was seven years old and they were on the playground at school. Because when is the last time you saw a grown adult pointing and laughing at somebody? I mean, outside of an Adam Sandler movie, does that ever happen in real life? Don't adults usually have a little more decorum than that?
But no. Not Burton. Burton will forever be known as the guy who pointed at Rupert's ass. And then chuckled heartily. It is one of my favorite Survivor images.
Burton in a rare, non-ass-pointing moment
By the way, I enjoyed this image so much that I thought it would be fun to come up with some other things that Burton could point and laugh at. Since he's already being a jackass, why not find some other things he can make fun of to his friend Jon? So I did my best to come up with the most inappropriate Burton images possible. See if you can top any of these:
Burton mocks the Hindenburg explosion
Burton makes fun of Terri Schiavo
Burton enjoys the sinking of the Titanic
"Look, John Wilkes Booth shot him in the head! Ha ha ha ha!"
"Dude, that baby is crying. Ha ha ha ha!"
So anyway, thanks Burton. The image of your finger directed towards Rupert's ass was one of the most childish (yet personally fulfilling) things I have ever seen on Survivor. Thinking about it is actually making me misty-eyed.
P.S. Of course I also enjoyed Shawn's comment about how Rupert's food would always end up in his beard. That one ranks just slightly behind the ass-pointing on the scale of "things a seven-year-old (or Heidi) would say about Rupert." Personally I'm surprised Shawn and Burton didn't just take his lunchbox and call him a poopy head.
Back to The Funny 115