Other Stuff Obama Took
by the Funny 115 Brain Trust*
Man, that Obama guy was just a menace.
He took 20% of this handshake! He took away 6% of the probability of this shot He took 100% of the crispy! He took 25% of the Heroes' bananas! The bastard took 5% of Brad Culpepper's face! He took 75% of Noura's meds! He took 90% of the odds John will not be betting on black Speaking of Sean, Obama took 100% of the blame away from the white no-nos But sadly. he took away 0% of the Morgan pelican He took 100% of Courtney's patience with the Buddhist monk And 70% of Courtney's chances of ever appearing on live TV again And then he just flat out took the arroz away from Sandra's gandules
Wow, he's right. He really doesn't fear Sandra.
That's why he took 80% of her hops And 40% of her ability to volume modulate He even took away her favorite Outback He took 100% of Courtney's wine And 89% of Stephenie's tribe
He even took away 98% of Tommy's Teaching Time!
Oh my god, these are starting to get horrible now.
Obama took 100% of Todd's niece or nephew He took away all twelve steps from Jan Gentry Speaking of steps, the fiendish Obama also took this one Obama took 60% of Chris Underwood's days in the game He took away 20% of this scene The bastard even took away 100% of Mike Holloway's sex partners! Obama took 95% of Amber's vocabulary! He overfished 90% of the South China Sea before Sean could get there He even took away 60% of Heidi's hotness
Only a few more. I think I've found almost all of them.
He took 100% of Ethan's ham He took away 76% of Fishbach’s ability to run He actually took away 70% of Rudy's inner ear balance And 80% of Rudy's Navy SEAL buddies
Think you can handle the more creative ones?
Well here you go.
Obama took away 100% of Brandon's magical date night experience While simultaneously taking away 100% of Frank's magical date night experience He took away 50% of Survivor's PG-13 rating Obama took away 50% of Survivor New Zealand: Cook Islands's title He took away 70% of the chances anyone will ever use a knife at Nate's house He took away 30% of Bruce's ileum and also 20% of his jejunum He bit Hatch and took 1% out of him He took away 0% of the chance that you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool an old cat like Lisi God DAMNIT. He even took away 100% of Rodney’s birthday!
Think you can handle these last ones? I saved all my favorites for the end.
Hold on tight for this last bunch.
He took away 90% of Crystal's ego And also 100% of her Olympic medals He took 33% of the intact bones from Rupert's toe Speaking of pirates, the fucker took 100% of Balboa He took away 80% of Candice's safety He took 90% of the dignity of this scene Obama took away 90% of Purple Kelly's confessionals And also 90% of her clothes. Obama took 12.5% of the Borneo cast The asshole even took 100% of Jaclyn's uterus Obama took 75%, or 2/3rds, of Brad Culpepper's math skills. He took 86% of Savage's age-appropriate fashion sense He took 80% of Luke Perry's new bad boy image He took 100% of Alec's typical nasal oxygen intake Speaking of the Christys, he took 100% of Drew Christy’s badassery He also took 88% of Gary's last name And 64% of Angelina's gracefulness Not to mention 90% of her one hundred foot ladder Obama took away 50% of Jenna’s Lewis’ home videos Then he took away 90% of the appropriateness of that other one Obama even tried (but failed) to take 20% of Kathy Sleckman's fingers He took 90% of Neleh’s mint. Obama took away 99.9% of Judd’s attention span. He took 50% of JT’s tooth. Speaking of teeth, he also took exactly 3 percent of Russell's
Okay, down to the last fifteen.
Finish strong, Obama.
Obama took 50% of the Caramoan Finale's stage space He took 100% of Bobby Jon's chances to ever get invited into a bouncy castle He took at least 92% of Debbie's jobs He took away 50% of Jon's ability to either lie or tell the truth Obama took away 38% of Morgan's pants He took away 100 percent of Tyler's charisma
And because Max gave me that joke, let me add that...
Obama took away 75% of Paul Bunyan Speaking of Dan Foley, Obama took 100% of Dan's ability to pronounce foreign names He also took 83% of Dan Berry’s pigment In other Dan news, Obama actually reversed himself and he added 300% to this chair
And oh shit. Here's an even MORE stunning reversal.
James Madison actually took away 40% of Obama's value as a person in the census.
Okay, last four.
Obama took 100 percent of the Christmas cards from Les Moonves' female employees Obama took 90% of Becky's amygdala Obama took away 83% of the One World cast's appendixes
And, of course, in the greatest Survivor moment of them all...
Obama took away 50% of Ciera's parents from the game
And this is why I think we can all say...
* The Funny 115 Brain Trust was made up of (in no particular order) Joe Jennings, Leann Lindsley, Steve Williams, Scott Rosenthal, Lisa Lundin, Sean Riordan, Will Affourtit, Aaron Leavitt, George Hanns, Russ Bartlett, Mason
Jordan Mills, Ethan Kyle, Zachary Ray Holt, Will Chambers Olsen, Chris
Turnage, Jack Mourouzis, Leopoldo Reyes MelÚndez, Brian Gold, John Debono, Max Dawson,
Joshua Muir, Andrew A. Koerner, David Holdsworth, Ryan Pacette,
and myself. This was a group project.