Other Stuff Obama Took
by the Funny 115 Brain Trust*

Man, that Obama guy was just a menace.

He took 20% of this handshake!

He took away 6% of the probability of this shot

He took 100% of the crispy!

He took 25% of the Heroes' bananas!

The bastard took 5% of Brad Culpepper's face!

He took 75% of Noura's meds!

He took 90% of the odds John will not be betting on black

Speaking of Sean, Obama took 100% of the blame away from the white no-nos

But sadly. he took away 0% of the Morgan pelican

He took 100% of Courtney's patience with the Buddhist monk

And 70% of Courtney's chances of ever appearing on live TV again

And then he just flat out took the arroz away from Sandra's gandules

Wow, he's right. He really doesn't fear Sandra.

That's why he took 80% of her hops

And 40% of her ability to volume modulate

He even took away her favorite Outback

He took 100% of Courtney's wine

And 89% of Stephenie's tribe

He even took away 98% of Tommy's Teaching Time!

Oh my god, these are starting to get horrible now.

Obama took 100% of Todd's niece or nephew

He took away all twelve steps from Jan Gentry

Speaking of steps, the fiendish Obama also took this one

Obama took 60% of Chris Underwood's days in the game

He took away 20% of this scene

The bastard even took away 100% of Mike Holloway's sex partners!

Obama took 95% of Amber's vocabulary!

He overfished 90% of the South China Sea before Sean could get there

He even took away 60% of Heidi's hotness

Only a few more. I think I've found almost all of them.

He took 100% of Ethan's ham

He took away 76% of Fishbach’s ability to run

He actually took away 70% of Rudy's inner ear balance

And 80% of Rudy's Navy SEAL buddies

Think you can handle the more creative ones?

Well here you go.

Obama took away 100% of Brandon's magical date night experience

While simultaneously taking away 100% of Frank's magical date night experience

He took away 50% of Survivor's PG-13 rating

Obama took away 50% of Survivor New Zealand: Cook Islands's title

He took away 70% of the chances anyone will ever use a knife at Nate's house

He took away 30% of Bruce's ileum and also 20% of his jejunum

He bit Hatch and took 1% out of him

He took away 0% of the chance that you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool an old cat like Lisi

God DAMNIT. He even took away 100% of Rodney’s birthday!

Think you can handle these last ones? I saved all my favorites for the end.

Hold on tight for this last bunch.

He took away 90% of Crystal's ego

And also 100% of her Olympic medals

He took 33% of the intact bones from Rupert's toe

Speaking of pirates, the fucker took 100% of Balboa

He took away 80% of Candice's safety

He took 90% of the dignity of this scene

Obama took away 90% of Purple Kelly's confessionals

And also 90% of her clothes.

Obama took 12.5% of the Borneo cast

The asshole even took 100% of Jaclyn's uterus

Obama took 75%, or 2/3rds, of Brad Culpepper's math skills.

He took 86% of Savage's age-appropriate fashion sense

He took 80% of Luke Perry's new bad boy image

He took 100% of Alec's typical nasal oxygen intake

Speaking of the Christys, he took 100% of Drew Christy’s badassery

He also took 88% of Gary's last name

And 64% of Angelina's gracefulness

Not to mention 90% of her one hundred foot ladder

Obama took away 50% of Jenna’s Lewis’ home videos

Then he took away 90% of the appropriateness of that other one

Obama even tried (but failed) to take 20% of Kathy Sleckman's fingers

He took 90% of Neleh’s mint.

Obama took away 99.9% of Judd’s attention span.

He took 50% of JT’s tooth.

Speaking of teeth, he also took exactly 3 percent of Russell's

Okay, down to the last fifteen.

Finish strong, Obama.

Obama took 50% of the Caramoan Finale's stage space

He took 100% of Bobby Jon's chances to ever get invited into a bouncy castle

He took at least 92% of Debbie's jobs

He took away 50% of Jon's ability to either lie or tell the truth

Obama took away 38% of Morgan's pants

He took away 100 percent of Tyler's charisma

And because Max gave me that joke, let me add that...

Obama took away 75% of Paul Bunyan

Speaking of Dan Foley, Obama took 100% of Dan's ability to pronounce foreign names

He also took 83% of Dan Berry’s pigment

In other Dan news, Obama actually reversed himself and he added 300% to this chair

And oh shit. Here's an even MORE stunning reversal.

James Madison actually took away 40% of Obama's value as a person in the census.

Okay, last four.

Obama took 100 percent of the Christmas cards from Les Moonves' female employees

Obama took 90% of Becky's amygdala

Obama took away 83% of the One World cast's appendixes

And, of course, in the greatest Survivor moment of them all...

Obama took away 50% of Ciera's parents from the game

And this is why I think we can all say...


* The Funny 115 Brain Trust was made up of (in no particular order)
Joe Jennings, Leann Lindsley, Steve Williams, Scott Rosenthal, Lisa Lundin, Sean Riordan, Will Affourtit, Aaron Leavitt, George Hanns, Russ Bartlett, Mason Jordan Mills, Ethan Kyle, Zachary Ray Holt, Will Chambers Olsen, Chris Turnage, Jack Mourouzis, Leopoldo Reyes MelÚndez, Brian Gold, John Debono, Max Dawson, Joshua Muir, Andrew A. Koerner, David Holdsworth, Ryan Pacette, and myself. This was a group project.

Back to Entry #24. Obama Takes Stuff