Mario's Trip To The Finale: Part
2: The Rich Get Richer
Posted by Mario Lanza on 12.20.02
This is part two of my big whirlwind Survivor reality tour on Thursday.
If you haven't yet, please read my account
of attending
the Elizabeth Glaser Survivor Fundraiser Brunch. I got to
meet a lot of Survivors!
This is an account of my first trip to a live Survivor finale. I am
using a style in honor of the funniest sports columnist
of all time, Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") over at ESPN.com. I have
been a fan of his for a long time, including way back before
he ever hit it big at ESPN. He often writes a running diary of things,
so I am attempting to do the same thing here. It's a tribute,
people, not a ripoff. Hopefully you will enjoy the finale as
much as I did,
***********************************************
Part Two: The Live Finale
2:50 - We arrive at CBS studios in Studio City. I am with
Murtz, the webmaster at Survivor-Central. I'm not sure
if you are aware of how S-C works, but Murtz is the boss; the shadowy,
lurking figure who none of us has ever seen
before. He doles out orders and instructions from his ivory tower in
Canada. We receive these messages through
a speaker on a desk, much like Charlie's Angels, where we are told to
write columns and, occasionally, go undercover
and solve crimes. So this is my very first time meeting Murtz, despite
the fact that I have written for his website for two years.
2:51 - We arrive at the wrong gate. They say we have to pick up our
tickets at the BOX OFFICE gate, not the STUDIO
gate. That means we have to drive a block to the east.
2:53 - We pick up our tickets at the BOX OFFICE gate. Luckily, the
tickets we were promised were right there, waiting for us.
Thank you CBS! We want to walk from here to the studio, but the guard
tells us no. Apparently we have to get back in the car
and drive back to the STUDIO gate. Sonja Christopher (Survivor I) pulls
up in a cab and she asks where the studio gate
is, and the guard tells her to drive around the corner. We offer to let
Sonja and her friend walk with us, but no dice. Oh well,
would
have been fun.
2:58- The car is parked and we are ready to go. I think it is very
charitable that CBS has stayed in touch with Stacey
Stillman, as they have given her an excellent job, valet parking the
cars in the lot. I flip Stacey a shiny new
quarter for her efforts and we are ready to go.
3:00 - We are walking toward Studio 36, wearing our spiffy new
"AUDIENCE" Survivor passes. On the way,
we see two female ex-Survivor contestants, who are looking for the
entrance, although they don't really have any interest in talking to
us. They are both a bit pissy that they didn't get a red carpet for the
event tonight, and they have to walk in the studio with
the fans. This whole thing seems like it is all a
big hassle
to them. I'm not going to tell you their names, but they were
both in the same cast. Email me your best guess.
3:15 - We are waiting by the entrance, along with a bunch of other
photographers. There is a red carpet here, and I try to
take a picture of a couple of the Survivors. I am gently reminded by
the CBS goons that this is for paparazzi only and that I
need to go away. Translation: Piss off, web nerds.
3:16 - I take a picture of Sarah Jones anyway, just to spite the
security guy.
3:17 - I am pistol-whipped by CBS security until I pass out. (Just
kidding)
3:20 - We are waiting by the paparazzi area, watching to see which
Survivor alums show up tonight. A pregnant Vecepia Towery arrives with
Leander, and Ethan and Kelly Wiglesworth arrive together along with a
group. We are just hanging out here, watching, until another CBS dude
walks over and tells
us that we only have audience credentials, and that means we need to go
away. Translation again: Piss off, web nerds. We are
sent off to exile in the audience waiting pit, also known as the loser
area. No more fun is to be had for a while.
3:30 - We have to go through heavy security just to get into the
audience area. No cell phones, no pagers, no cameras.
They confiscate our cameras and our cell phones, and they tell us we
can pick them up again after the show. But on the plus side, there is
free food
for everyone: water, potato chips, pretzels, cookies and candy.
3:31 - Tom Buchanan and Ted Rogers arrive to loot the food table.
There is now no longer any free food.
3:35 - Murtz is mad because he wants to bring his camera inside, so he
goes on a 15 minute crusade to get his camera back from security.
He says this is a much different mood than the New York finale had last
year, this one is far more strict. It is just
like any other studio taping. The audience is also much smaller than
the New York one was last year.
4:05 - We are still waiting in the audience area, and it is cold
outside. We were supposed to be seated at 4:00,
but they are running late tonight. Murtz never did get his
camera back from security.
4:08 - The family members of the Survivors arrive! They shuttle in
behind us, and Murtz points out Penny's husband, Ted's family,
Jan's kid, and the army of John Raymond supporters. Of course, the big
question floating in the air is, "Will C.C. Heidik show
up?" All the people in the audience seem to be looking for her, we
don't know if there is still a restraining order against
her or if that was just hearsay. We see no sign of C.C.
whatsoever. I theorize that maybe they lowered her in through
the roof on wires, just so she could avoid the crowd.
4:10 - The door to the studio opens and the mob of audience members
decides to push towards it. We are all crammed
together, trying to get in, but the guards hold us back like we are
unwashed steerage passengers on the Titanic. The actual ex-Survivors
have to enter first, so we are forced to move back and wait.
4:20 - Hold the phones! The party can now begin! Peter Harkey
is here! Peter Harkey is in the house! Immediately
identifiable by his height and his hair, Peter walks in to the roaring
cheer of an adoring crowd. Children avert
their eyes.
4:21 - Once Peter has been seated, the rest of the Survivors file in.
Many of them have changed clothes since the
fundraiser brunch that morning. Lindsey and Jessie are dressed to kill,
and Alicia is wearing this funky hat and
halter top combo. They all seem excited to be here. We see Gina, Tammy,
Lex, Jeff Varner, Kelly Wiglesworth and
Paschal as well. We barely see Kathy, but you can immediately identify
her because of her laugh. Gabriel shows up in a really loud
yellow and orange Hawaiian shirt.
4:25 - The audience losers (aka us) are now allowed to funnel in, at
our own peril. There is only one tiny door open for all us,
so we ALL have to squish together and funnel through it.
4:30 - Everybody is allowed to go in and take their seat except for
Murtz and me. The door guard asks who we are with,
and we say "Survivor-Central." She says, "Okay, well websites
will be seated separately," and we
are forced to stand off to the side and watch everyone else go in the
studio instead. I'm surprised she didn't just spit in our faces.
"Websites?
(spit) Bah! Go home and download some porn, computer geeks!"
4:38 - We try to finagle our way in, by saying we are guests of Teresa
Cooper. The door guard doesn't buy it. She points
out that
alumni sit separately from the fans. But finally, some other
website people show up and we are all allowed to go in as a
group. We walk
into the hallowed darkness of the studio in awe, like the kids entering
Willy Wonka's chocolate factory for the first time. This is
quite a studio! Great set, they have a perfect representation
of the Thailand Tribal Council down there.
4:40 - We get in and we take our assigned seats. Sure enough, you
guessed it, we are seated in the very last row.
Top level, Row ZZZ, seats 98 and 99. Because of the amount of
prestige afforded to websites, I'm surprised we even got seats at all.
We are seated next to Wezzie from ez board, David Bloomberg from
Reality News Online, and a few
people (sorry, I didn't catch names!) from Survivor News. We all
comment on how CBS apparently don't care much for the websites
anymore, it is pretty obvious in the fact there are only 16
seats reserved for website people. But we are all happy to be
here. This place is buzzing and it is really quite the spectacle right
now.
4:48 - Quick thought: Does Big Tom have to wear the overalls and the
hat everywhere? Does he ever go anywhere not wearing
overalls?
4:54 - The show is almost ready to start. The emcee for the
evening comes out and announces that we can do whatever we want in the
crowd, but we need to shut up once the taping gets to the live part.
This will be repeated at least 42 times throughout the
evening.
4:56 - Mark Burnett and another producer come out to address the
audience. Ever the hypester, Burnett starts off
by saying that this episode will feature "The greatest twist in
Survivor history, and you'll be a part of it!"
Sounds ominous. We are excited. Burnett then
explains that they will be switching from tape to a live feed in the
middle of
a scene, and that has never been attempted before on a TV
show. Ok, that's not really a -twist- per se, but whatever.
It will be
cool to see regardless.
5:00 - The show starts, and we all get to watch the opening recap
montage. It's kind of hard to hear, the audio isn't very loud and
people in the audience are talking too much.
5:01 - Robb gets stung by a stingray and he flops backwards into the
ocean. It is the 103rd time I have seen that clip and for
the 103rd time, I giggle. The audience loves that clip.
5:02 - Brian doesn't even APPEAR in the flashback until almost the very
end. Interesting. But I still think he will
cakewalk to a victory tonight. Time to show the world how to play this
game, Brian.
5:04 - The Survivor: Thailand opening credit sequence. This
is a fun little popularity contest, as people in the audience
cheer for their respective favorites.
Jed, Robb, and Stephanie all get really big cheers, but the
biggest cheer for them all is for John Raymond. Like I said,
he has a whole army of
fans and family here tonight. I think he brought all of
Slidell.
5:05 - First bathroom break. There are four porta-potties outside, and
they are shared by the entire audience. And you have to run out
there fast if you want to beat the crowd once the commercial starts.
I am standing in line for one of the porta-potties,
and Jenna Lewis is standing right in front of me.
And ha ha, she almost yanks her arm off trying
to open one of the stall doors. She tries a few times and
then she finally notices it is locked because someone is inside.
She then turns around and jokingly reminds everyone within
earshot
that the light on means that the stall is OCCUPIED. The guy inside
finally comes out of the toilet and he says he
thought it was turning into
a stunt from "Jackass." He thought that somebody was trying to tip him
over. It was pretty funny. Jenna was a good
sport about it.
5:09 - Back in the studio. The final four players are
building little boats to represent all of their comrades who were voted
off. It would be funny if they lost Ted's boat just like he
lost the Chuay Gahn boat.
5:10 - Brian pats himself on the back just for getting this far. Man, I
love this guy. The audience is all abuzz right now because of
his
brazen cockiness. It is hard to tell if this is a pro-Brian
crowd or an anti-Brian crowd right now, it is very borderline.
5:12 - Just as I predicted! No "Fallen Comrades" immunity
challenge this year. I figured they would ditch that.
This challenge is going to be physical. I tell
Murtz that Brian so wins this. Murtz asks me, is it good or
not that the late challenges
are going to be physical? I say it's good because now they can get rid
of Jan. I am very worried about Jan sneaking in a win
tonight.
I also comment that this is a very early challenge, it means there is
still a lot left to happen later in the episode. Maybe we
will see the big
"twist" that Burnett promised...?
5:13 - Clay falls on his balance beam and he cracks himself in the
nuts. Funny moment.
5:14 - Brian finishes his puzzle first, and the audience cheers. But I
think they were actually cheering Jeff's
line about Brian not letting Clay copy off of him. Jeff says,
"Brian has the knife out," and I comment that Brian has
had the knife out since day one.
5:16 - The audience cheered when Brian finished, but people -really-
cheer when Helen makes it across her balance beam. Helen
is clearly the most popular of the final four players, people in the
audience are rooting for her hardcore right now. But Brian eats his
spider first, amidst groans from the
crowd, and he wins immunity. I'm happy about that,
and the crowd claps politely for him. Go Brian!
5:17 - Here's an interesting thought: Brian had one chance to
get down the tarantula. But if he puked it up, would he have gotten
another?
Does he have to pick up the half-eaten one off the ground and eat it
again, all covered in puke? Or does he get a fresh one? What
are the rules here? Hey, this is the stuff that I think about,
people.
5:21 - Informal poll among the people here in the website
section: Jan is going to go home first.
5:24 - By the way, it is freezing inside this studio. I think
they have to keep it cold inside, so that people's makeup doesn't run
when they are on camera. But
I am shivering up here in seat 99ZZZ and I NEVER shiver.
5:25 - Okay, now Helen has made some enemies in camp. The guys want Jan
to vote out Helen. Informal poll among
the website people is that this will now be a 2-2 tie. Helen vs. Clay.
5:28 - Jeff Probst busts Jan for lying at Tribal Council. The crowd
chuckles. Then Jan casts her vote and they don't show who
she voted for. Look, I KNOW it would ruin the suspense, but I would
like to know her reasons for the choice she made. C'mon
you pansies, show us Jan's vote!
5:32 - Helen is gone! And BOY is she pissed. The crowd was very much
pro-Helen, this isn't a popular moment. Somebody near me in the
audience
comments, "Now the jury is gonna get ugly." People clap as
Helen walks out of the game, one last moment of respect for their
fallen favorite.
5:33 - People in the audience cheer loudly at Helen's final words.
"Break a leg, and I MEAN it." Great speech. Total
Helen.
5:34 - Another informal poll of the website people. Most
people think that Brian has started to lose some votes on the jury. I
disagree with this. I say that
Brian will win anyway, they may hate him but they all still respect
him. I don't think that anything has changed.
5:38 - During the commercial break, the emcee yells out, "Who do you
want to win?" Most people in the crowd yell "Brian," but I decide to be
a smartass and I yell "Ethan!" No one really hears.
5:40 - Another Brian speech, where he praises himself for being
awesome. Could this guy be more cocky? The debate now comes
up among the website people, who is the best Survivor
player of all time? Murtz says Brian, David Bloomberg says Richard. I
think it's Brian, but I also say it is like apples
and oranges, they weren't competing in the same environment.
Although I still think you could make a case for Vecepia.
5:42 - The final boat ride, where the final three player reflect on
their fallen comrades. Everyone's little boats of tribute are
released. Geez, there's still 1:20 left in
the show??? This is going to be a long jury scene.
5:43 - Jed's flashbacks get a loud cheer from the
audience. Weird, I didn't realize he was so popular.
Jake is also very popular. Robb's tribute shows him choking
and mocking Clay, and
everyone in the audience laughs. People love Robb, although I
think it was a little odd that they showed that as his "highlight." I
didn't realize I
liked this cast that much. I am getting a
little misty-eyed sitting here and watching all their greatest
moments.
5:47 - It is a commercial break, and-- holy crap!-- C.C. Heidik walks
right by us. I am the
first one to spot her, and I nudge Murtz and point her out so
he can take a look at her.
She is wearing a very expensive, very gaudy looking fur coat.
I brag that I have a God given
talent that I can always spot an adult film star anywhere
in a crowd. It is a gift that has been bestowed upon me by
the heavens, who am I to sit here and question its purpose?
C.C. walks right by us and we immediately all gossip
about why she is there, and if she is with Brian's family or not.
5:51 - The final immunity challenge. A dark set, lots of
candles, very cool.
It's not an outdoor challenge for a change, this time it is
inside and it is in 105 degree heat in a cave. The frame that the
players will stand in looks like a torture rack, this challenge is
going to be
brutal. Murtz says that Brian should throw this one.
I don't think there is a chance in hell that he will, he is
way too much of a
control freak. Once again though, no Fallen
Comrades! They scrapped that challenge entirely this year.
5:55 - The challenge has started. And oh my goodness, look at that
Christ
imagery on Brian. The long hair, the glowing halo of
light behind him, the outstretched arms, the serene look of peace on
his
face. Eerie. I point this Christ imagery out and one of the website
people says, "Hey, you're Tapewatcher, aren't you!" I deny
it. I figure that
whoever can do yoga the best will win this
challenge.
5:56 - Brian is able to shut Jeff out and ignore all of his questions. I
think he is going to pull this off.
5:58 - Clay is hurt! Clay has the jimmy legs. Then Jan abruptly quits. It is now down to
Clay and Brian, and then it appears that Clay
just quits too. I don't think he threw it, but Murtz does. But who cares, Brian
wins, yay Brian!
6:01 - Commercial time. I run down to the porta-potties for one
last bathroom break. After I do my business in the stall, I come out
and there is Robert DeCanio ("The General"),
who was next in line. He teases me that I was in there for a long time,
"C'mon
buddy, you were in there forever!"
I explain to him that I had stuff to do, man, but he was just trying to
give me a hard time.
Funny guy. I return to my seat but I -just-
miss Alicia Calaway, who was also in line right after The
General. I wanted to tell her about my All-Star
Hawaii story, and how she was one of the top characters. But
sadly I
haven't had a chance to talk to her yet. Hopefully I can run into
her later.
6:02 - Back in my seat. Teresa Cooper comes over and she tells us she is
interviewing Mark Burnett after the show. She
wants to know if Murtz or I have any good questions she can ask him. I say, "Give me
ten minutes to come up with something." She asks us who we think
will win tonight. I say Brian, Murtz says Clay.
6:07 - The jury files in for the final three Tribal Council. And boy does Helen Glover look pissed.
6:08 - Brian walks up to cast the only vote. He walks very slowly.
Is he cocky? Or is he just sore from the challenge? You
decide.
6:11 - Jan is voted out. No big surprise there, but I breathe a sigh of
relief anyway. I was very worried that she was going to win this thing tonight.
People in the audience clap for her, politely. I announce to everyone around me that Brian has won now. Clay thanks
Brian for taking him to the final two, and I comment
that this is the first time in Survivor history that the final vote has come down to two males.
6:15 - The emcee comes out and, once again, he warns us that we are switching over to live TV in
the middle of a scene at 6:55. He warns
us that it will be a helicopter shot, and after that shot we all have to be silent.
6:18 - Murtz and come up with a list of questions that Teresa can ask to Burnett. Among them:
* Who do you think was the best player of all time?
* Does anything about this game surprise you anymore?
* How do you pick what challenges to do, and when?
* Who were you pulling for to win in Thailand?
6:19 - The last bathroom break has anded, we are all now required to stay in the
studio for the next 90 minutes. Hope you didn't drink a lot of water tonight.
6:20 - Brian bows to himself in the mirror, and then he thanks his mirror
image for being awesome. You know he does this every
day before he goes to work. You gotta love Brian Heidik.
6:22 - The CBS staff asks everyone in the back few rows to move down, so
there will be no visible empty seats once we switch over to live TV.
We end up seated right behind the army of John Raymond's family, and also right next to the band.
We are seated directly under the big swivel-arm camera.
6:23 - Time for the opening jury statements. Watch the used car salesman in his element now.
6:24 - Mark Burnett addresses us again about the tape-to-live switch.
He says it will be an incredible challenge
but adds, "I like challenges." He is a great public speaker, always
enthusiastic.
6:28 - The actual Thailand Survivors file onto the stage during a
commercial, and take their places. Brian, Clay,
Helen, they are all there, wearing their same clothes. Helen is the big
star, very giggly and waving to her family.
She's like a little kid. Everyone in the crowd seems to love Helen.
6:30 - They turn down all the lights in the studio, for the final
segment. I can't really take notes now, but the
jury speeches are great. Ken was funny as hell, playing the "bad cop"
interrogation routine. Ted's comment
about racism came out of nowhere, and everyone loved Helen's harassment
of Brian, particularly when she growled
at him. It was funny to watch all the open-mouthed reactions of
surprise from Brian, particularly when Clay reeled
off all the info about Penny. The mood is that Brian did poorly with
the jury questions, this could be anybody's
game right now. Murtz thinks Clay did well with the jury. I honestly
don't know what to think now.
6:47 - Final commercial break, we are coming back for the money shot
ending. Murtz thinks Clay will win. I think
Brian will win, but Murtz's confidence is making me nervous. It is very
tense. I comment that the person I wanted
to win has won all four previous final votes, so I am banking that
Brian can pull this off.
6:55 - We switch from tape to live, in the middle of a shot. Jeff
Probst walked out to retrieve the ballots, and
on the walk back, we switch to a live shot. Looks pretty seamless, but
you can tell on TV if you watch for it.
Also, Clay gained some weight, so he doesn't quite look the same
anymore. The audio in the studio goes out for
a few seconds, and we think they screwed up. But on TV later it looked
fine.
6:58 - Jeff pulling out the last vote. VERY tense in the studio, I
honestly don't know what will happen. This is
great TV.
7:00 - Brian wins! Everybody cheers and screams, although we are
instructed to do that anyway. They said, "Just
stand and cheer no matter who wins." But I think deep down it was a
pro-Brian crowd, people may not have liked
him, but they respected him. It just looks better if Brian is the
winner.
7:02 - The Survivors file out for the reunion show. My God, Ghandia is
wearing something from the Sgt. Pepper line.
I hope Brian pats himself on the back during the reunion.
7:15 - First commercial. Ted and Ghandia have not looked at each other
yet. I think it's still a touchy issue.
7:16 - David Bloomberg from Reality News Online is pulled randomly from
the crowd to dance for the audience, during
a commercial. This breaks Jeff Probst's "No singing, no dancing" rule.
7:19 - They come back from a commercial, with the 5-4-3-2-1 countdown.
I am disappointed that they don't do the
silent "3-2-1" point like in "Wayne's World."
7:20 - Ted vs Ghandia. They still don't look at each other, and don't
laugh at the clips. Still very sensitive.
And I noticed Tanya kind of looks like Jessie, when they both have
their hair down.
7:25 - Wow, Jed looks incredibly uncomfortable up on stage. He always
looks like he's got a stick up his butt,
never so bad as now, though. I wonder if he is always like that, or
just on live TV.
7:26 - The audience laughs and cheers at everything Robb says. He is
clearly the funniest of all of them, although
Helen gets her fair share of laughs too.
7:29 - Probst slams Stephanie for never showing up. Nice!
7:33 - Commercial break. Murtz asks if Probst will ask about Brian's
porn past. I doubt it. Brian really has yet
to smile, he is really kind of in his own world. Ghandia gets up and
tries to dance with her kid in the audience,
but the CBS people make her sit down.
7:39 - It sounds like Jed is crying but I am told he was just up late
and is probably exhausted. They had a lot
of cast parties on Wednesday night and I think his voice is gone.
7:44 - The emcee asks who is in the audience, and the website people
loudly announce their presence. He comes up
and asks what sites we write for. We yell out "Reality News Online" and
"Survivor Maps" and
then Murtz loudly screams "SURVIVOR-CENTRAL!" He yells it again,
pointing at the emcee, and I think the
guy was legitimately frightened of us. He backs away, saying "I think
I'll move away from you people."
Nice try by Murtz though.
7:45 - Wrapping up now. Brian claps coolly for everything that happens,
like he doesn't give a crap. Helen is very
animated with all her answers, she is great on camera, I would love to
meet her.
7:46 - Promo for Survivor: The Amazon. Cool logo!
8:00 - The show is over! We all get to file out. Those going to the
after-party to the left, others (me) to the
right. I have to retrieve my camera from check-in and am lucky to
FINALLY run into Alicia. She is with Jeff Varner.
Murtz greets Jeff, saying "You were right" in regards to Brian winning.
I introduce myself to Alicia,
telling her about All-Star Hawaii and that it was very popular and that
she was the winner. She said that was cool,
and I say I want to send her a copy, since she will get a kick out of
it. She said she had heard that she won,
but had not read the story yet. So in the middle of a big mob I hand
her a note with my email address and my mission
is now complete. (note: She never contacted me.) It's time to go home
and watch the show on TV now!
(Mario's afterword: I obviously couldn't write this in the column at the time but on the way out Jeff happened to give us some other info as well. Murtz started asking Jeff what he knew about Amazon (which was still filming). And Jeff said he heard that there was a guy in Amazon who was "just killing people". Apparently this guy was like Richard Hatch only he was young, and he was the most evil person the producers had ever seen. Turns out later we were being told about Rob Cesternino, although through most of the first episode I was pretty sure it was going to be Ryan Aiken.)
Mario Lanza lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two small children.
He is one of the writers of All-Star Survivor:
Alaska, as well as this weekly column.
Email Mario at MLanza1974@aol.com