Mario's Survivor Writing Archives (2001-2018)

by Mario Lanza

The Funny 115

The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor - A list that took me about six months to compile and write. Tons of screen caps. Highly recommended! Just click on Chad's picture to begin...

The Funny 115
version 2.0

The sequel to the Funny 115, featuring new moments from seasons 12-20.  Click on Coach's picture to go to the second countdown.

The Funny 115
The Third One

More of the same, featuring new entries from seasons 21-30.  Click on Unimpressed Sophie to go to this one.


The Survivor Historian Podcasts

This is a series of podcasts that I did with my friends Paul Asleson and Jay Fischer, where we go back and talk about the early seasons of Survivor, in an attempt to document all the moments and people that were important to the show.  We will also trace the chronology of the franchise, ie how it unfolded the way that it did.  We will also use personal anecdotes to explain what it was like to be a fan in the early days, back when the show was such a huge phenomenon.  We try to put out at least one new podcast each month.

Note:  These are also available for free over at itunes.  Just do a search for "Survivor Historians."

The Survivor Historian Podcasts - Episode Index

When It Was Worth Playing For

This is my Survivor book, where I talk about the first three seasons of the show and how I wound up becoming a well known Survivor writer.   You can buy a copy of the book from Amazon through this link.

All-Star Survivor Fiction

These are stories that I wrote (or was part of a writing team) between 2002 and 2003. They were very popular at the time and I still get email about them almost weekly.

1. All-Star Survivor: Hawaii

Posted at Survivor-Central, summer 2002. Rewritten and in updated 2008. Set on the forbidden Hawaiian island of Ni'ihau.

2. All-Star Survivor: Alaska

Posted at Survivor-Central, winter 2002. Set in Alaska's Denali National Park.

3. All-Star Survivor: Greece

Posted at Survivor-Central, summer 2003. Set in the Pleaides island chain, in the north Aegean Sea.

All-Star bonus link:

4. Poaching Reality: An Online Study

A graduate thesis written by Chris Wright of Georgetown University. My stories are the main topic of his paper. It's a good read!

My Favorite Survivor Columns:

These are my favorite columns I ever wrote, archived from my time as a columnist at Survivor-Central (2001-2004):

Mario's Fallen Comrades Parodies (very highly requested)

2. The Andy Kaufman Strategy (my most famous column ever - written in 2002.)

3. My Trip to the Survivor: Thailand finale (with pictures) - Part 1 (Breakfast with Rodger) and Part 2 (The Rich Get Richer)

4. Mario's Top 10 Troubling Reality Show Moments (a special column written for the Fishbowl in 2005.)

5. You Screwed Me, Now Screw You! - This is a column I wrote with Brad Wolgast, for a book called "The Psychology of Survivor." The chapter didn't make the final cut of the book, but I still think it is pretty good. It talks about why juries vote the way that they do (and how to beat them).  It is also the perfect chapter to link to if you want to point out why Russell shouldn't have won.

The Psychology of Survivor:

This book is a compilation of Survivor essays written by psychologists and famous Survivor columnists (aka, me).   I wrote two essays for the book, "What, how did SHE win??", which talks about why under the radar females are the most successful and dangerous players in Survivor, and "The Rise of the Heartless Mercenary", which explains how Rob Cesternino ruined Survivor.   I also wrote a third chapter for the book, "You Screwed Me, Now Screw You!" but they didn't want three chapters by any one author so they cut it.  You can find "You Screwed Me, Now Screw You!" in my favorite columns section above this.  

Paperback version

Kindle version

Weekly Strategy Columns:

Here are all the weekly Survivor Strategy columns I wrote while at Survivor-Central. I am trying to build this archive through my own text files and through the Internet Archive webpage but unfortunately it might take a while. Keep checking back and hopefully I'll have more archives built the next time you visit.

Marquesas Pre-Season Rankings Thailand Pre-Season Rankings Amazon Pre-Season Rankings
Episode #1: Power Rankings Episode #1: Jan, Please Don't Pick Me Episode #1: Guys, Don't Even Bother Coming Home
Episode #2: Maraamu High School Episode #2: Making Jeff Wince Episode #2: I will ALWAYS put my hand in your face!
Episode #3: Rise of the Godfather Episode #3: Shoplifting the Pootie Episode #3: Jesus loves Jaburu
Episode #4: Boys vs. Girls Episode #4: To Helen, a Handbasket Episode #4: Humans 1, Piranhas 0
Episode #5: The Nurse Shark Episode #5: Dude, Where's My Boat? Episode #5: I'm a Rocket Man
Episode #6: Flushing the John Episode #6: Dust in the Wind Episode #6: Shoot the Hostage
Episode #7: The Day the Suspense Died Episode #7: The Phantom Merge Episode #7: The Rob Show
Episode #8: A Judge's Wrath Episode #8: Drama in the Piss Cave Episode #8: Booyah!
Episode #9: Rise of the Nobodies Episode #9: Dancing with C.C. Episode #9: Attack of the Vee Clones
Episode #10: Neleh Fudges Up Episode #10: Brian's Lost Sheep Episode #10: The Deaf Girl Took my Letter!
Episode #11: Kathy's Choice Episode #11: You Can't Stop the Terminator Episode #11: Squish Like Grape
Episode #12: You Can Stop Betting on Black Now Episode #12: My Name is Freeze Episode #12: 8-Ball Fails to Predict Fire
Marquesas Finale: Silent but Deadly Thai Finale: See My Favorite Columns (above) Amazon Finale: Six Votes??

Pearl Islands Pre-Season Rankings Mario's Pre-Season Conversation w/Murtz
Episode #1: Searching for Honey All Stars Pre-Season Rankings
Episode #2: The Goober of the Morgan Tribe Episode #1: Saboga, You Will Pay!
Episode #3: Mercy is for the Weak Episode #2: Go to Bed, Old Man!
Episode #4: Red Rover Episode #3: Stingray Eats Shark
Episode #5: Believe in Yourself Episode #4: Don't Call Tina a Phony
Episode #6: Trish gets Punk'd Episode #5: Snuffing the Flame
Episode #7a: Return of the Living Dead Episode #6: Playing Through the Pain
Episode #7b: Sometimes They Come Back Episode #9: Server, Crash This
Episode #8: The Calm Before the Storm Episode #10: Karma Can Be Fun
Episode #9: Goliath Falls Episode #13:  Winning by Losing
Episode #10: She's Not Quite Dead, She's Getting Better All Stars Finale:  Squeal Like a Pig, Boy
Episode #11: Fairplay all the Way  
Pearl Islands Finale: It's All Good  

The Survivor Trials

This is a special series of "columns" I wrote during Survivor: Guatemala, where my friend Matt and I put each Survivor on "trial" to determine if they deserved to have left the game. We only ended up doing six Survivor Trials but I'll try to dig them up and add them to the archives one of these days.

Special Survivor Links:

Survivor: Okinawa

This was a new type of story. 16 Survivor fans competed in a Survivor simulation over the internet during the winter of 2003. I wrote the game up into an All-Star type of story. Check it out, it was a lot of fun! Beware though, the story is over 1,000 pages long.

Survivor as Sport

A college paper written by my friend Justin, where he quoted me as to whether Survivor is actually a sport or not.

Miscellaneous Links:

Survivor: Tonga: This is an online game I took part in during the spring of 2003. It was run by Rafe Judkins (an actual cast member of Survivor: Guatemala.) The episodes were never finished nor published but I managed to get the cast together to write "summaries" of what happened, from different points of view. It is a pretty fun read, particularly if you tried to follow Tonga as it aired at Survivor-Central. If you didn't follow the story at the time, you won't find this very interesting.

1. Tonga Summary, Part 1 (episodes 1-4)

2. Tonga Summary, Part 2 (episodes 5-7)

3. Tonga Summary, Part 3 (episodes 8-10)

4. Tonga Summary, Part 4 (episodes 11-12)

5. Tonga Summary, Part 5 (episode 13, finale)

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