Mario's Survivor Writing Archives (2001-2014)
by Mario Lanza
The Funny 115
The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor - A list that took me about six months to compile and write. Tons of screen caps. Highly recommended! Just click on Chad's picture to begin...
The sequel to the Funny 115, featuring new moments from seasons 12-20. Click on Coach's picture to go to the new countdown...
This is a series of podcasts that I did with my friends Paul Asleson and Jay Fischer, where we go back and talk about the early seasons of Survivor, in an attempt to document all the moments and people that were important to the show. We will also trace the chronology of the franchise, ie how it unfolded the way that it did. We will also use personal anecdotes to explain what it was like to be a fan in the early days, back when the show was such a huge phenomenon. We try to put out at least one new podcast each month.
It Was Worth Playing For
This is my Survivor book, where I talk about the first three seasons of the show and how I wound up becoming a well known Survivor writer. You can buy a copy of the book from Amazon through this link.
All-Star Survivor Fiction
These are stories that I wrote (or was part of a writing team) between 2002 and 2003. They were very popular at the time and I still get email about them almost weekly.
Posted at Survivor-Central, summer 2002. Rewritten and in updated 2008. Set on the forbidden Hawaiian island of Ni'ihau.
Posted at Survivor-Central, winter 2002. Set in Alaska's Denali National Park.
Posted at Survivor-Central, summer 2003. Set in the Pleaides island chain, in the north Aegean Sea.
All-Star bonus link:
A graduate thesis written by Chris Wright of Georgetown University. My stories are the main topic of his paper. It's a good read!
My Favorite Survivor Columns:
These are my favorite columns I ever wrote, archived from my time as a columnist at Survivor-Central (2001-2004):
1. Mario's Fallen Comrades Parodies (very highly requested)
2. The Andy Kaufman Strategy (my most famous column ever - written in 2002.)
4. Mario's Top 10 Troubling Reality Show Moments (a special column written for the Fishbowl in 2005.)
5. You Screwed Me, Now Screw You! - This is a column I wrote with Brad Wolgast, for a book called "The Psychology of Survivor." The chapter didn't make the final cut of the book, but I still think it is pretty good. It talks about why juries vote the way that they do (and how to beat them). It is also the perfect chapter to link to if you want to point out why Russell shouldn't have won.
This book is a compilation of Survivor essays written by psychologists and famous Survivor columnists (aka, me). I wrote two essays for the book, "What, how did SHE win??", which talks about why under the radar females are the most successful and dangerous players in Survivor, and "The Rise of the Heartless Mercenary", which explains how Rob Cesternino ruined Survivor. I also wrote a third chapter for the book, "You Screwed Me, Now Screw You!" but they didn't want three chapters by any one author so they cut it. You can find "You Screwed Me, Now Screw You!" in my favorite columns section above this.
Weekly Strategy Columns:
Here are all the weekly Survivor Strategy columns I wrote while at Survivor-Central. I am trying to build this archive through my own text files and through the Internet Archive webpage but unfortunately it might take a while. Keep checking back and hopefully I'll have more archives built the next time you visit.
|SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS||SURVIVOR: THAILAND||SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON|
|Marquesas Pre-Season Rankings||Thailand Pre-Season Rankings||Amazon Pre-Season Rankings|
|Episode #1: Power Rankings||Episode #1: Jan, Please Don't Pick Me||Episode #1: Guys, Don't Even Bother Coming Home|
|Episode #2: Maraamu High School||Episode #2: Making Jeff Wince||Episode #2: I will ALWAYS put my hand in your face!|
|Episode #3: Rise of the Godfather||Episode #3: Shoplifting the Pootie||Episode #3: Jesus loves Jaburu|
|Episode #4: Boys vs. Girls||Episode #4: To Helen, a Handbasket||Episode #4: Humans 1, Piranhas 0|
|Episode #5: The Nurse Shark||Episode #5: Dude, Where's My Boat?||Episode #5: I'm a Rocket Man|
|Episode #6: Flushing the John||Episode #6: Dust in the Wind||Episode #6: Shoot the Hostage|
|Episode #7: The Day the Suspense Died||Episode #7: The Phantom Merge||Episode #7: The Rob Show|
|Episode #8: A Judge's Wrath||Episode #8: Drama in the Piss Cave||Episode #8: Booyah!|
|Episode #9: Rise of the Nobodies||Episode #9: Dancing with C.C.||Episode #9: Attack of the Vee Clones|
|Episode #10: Neleh Fudges Up||Episode #10: Brian's Lost Sheep||Episode #10: The Deaf Girl Took my Letter!|
|Episode #11: Kathy's Choice||Episode #11: You Can't Stop the Terminator||Episode #11: Squish Like Grape|
|Episode #12: You Can Stop Betting on Black Now||Episode #12: My Name is Freeze||Episode #12: 8-Ball Fails to Predict Fire|
|Marquesas Finale: Silent but Deadly||Thai Finale: See My Favorite Columns (above)||Amazon Finale: Six Votes??|
|SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS||SURVIVOR: ALL STARS|
|Pearl Islands Pre-Season Rankings||Mario's Pre-Season Conversation w/Murtz|
|Episode #1: Searching for Honey||All Stars Pre-Season Rankings|
|Episode #2: The Goober of the Morgan Tribe||Episode #1: Saboga, You Will Pay!|
|Episode #3: Mercy is for the Weak||Episode #2: Go to Bed, Old Man!|
|Episode #4: Red Rover||Episode #3: Stingray Eats Shark|
|Episode #5: Believe in Yourself||Episode #4: Don't Call Tina a Phony|
|Episode #6: Trish gets Punk'd||Episode #5: Snuffing the Flame|
|Episode #7a: Return of the Living Dead||Episode #6: Playing Through the Pain|
|Episode #7b: Sometimes They Come Back||Episode #9: Server, Crash This|
|Episode #8: The Calm Before the Storm||Episode #10: Karma Can Be Fun|
|Episode #9: Goliath Falls||Episode
#13: Winning by Losing
|Episode #10: She's Not Quite Dead, She's Getting Better||All Stars Finale: Squeal Like a Pig, Boy|
|Episode #11: Fairplay all the Way|
|Pearl Islands Finale: It's All Good|
The Survivor Trials
This is a special series of "columns" I wrote during Survivor: Guatemala, where my friend Matt and I put each Survivor on "trial" to determine if they deserved to have left the game. We only ended up doing six Survivor Trials but I'll try to dig them up and add them to the archives one of these days.
Special Survivor Links:
This was a new type of story. 16 Survivor fans competed in a Survivor simulation over the internet during the winter of 2003. I wrote the game up into an All-Star type of story. Check it out, it was a lot of fun! Beware though, the story is over 1,000 pages long.
A college paper written by my friend Justin, where he quoted me as to whether Survivor is actually a sport or not.
Survivor: Tonga: This is an online game I took part in during the spring of 2003. It was run by Rafe Judkins (an actual cast member of Survivor: Guatemala.) The episodes were never finished nor published but I managed to get the cast together to write "summaries" of what happened, from different points of view. It is a pretty fun read, particularly if you tried to follow Tonga as it aired at Survivor-Central. If you didn't follow the story at the time, you won't find this very interesting.
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