The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#6. "It's my damn entry, man, and it's about time to see me on
this damn list. I mean, I'm sick and tired
of bein' overlooked, man, 'cause you already talked about these dudes
like Crazy Matt and that damn Cesternino,
and meanwhile I'm sittin' here all patient just waitin' my turn, man,
and I'm sittin' here goin' "Damn!"
man, cause everybody knows it's absolutely, by far, my time to get my
entry on the damn freakin' list!"
Guatemala - Multiple Episodes
That's right. Judd finally gets his tribute on the Funny 115.
And I have to say (in his own words) it's about
damn time.
I wish I had a lot of interesting things to say about the guy, but... sadly... in this case, I don't. See, I've already said just about everything there is to say about Judd Sergeant. I've already said most everything there is to say in earlier entries on the Funny 115. So I'm sorry to say that there won't be anything revelatory in this particular moment. It's just my tribute to Judd, and my thanks for all the times he (unintentionally) made me crack up. Because like I've said so many times before, Judd Sergeant easily gets my vote as the most unintentionally entertaining player in Survivor history.
.
Every quote that came out of Judd's mouth in Guatemala was a
masterpiece.
Every line spoken by the Juddinator was incredibly wrong... yet at the
same time, somehow incredibly right.
Every one of his memorable moments (like the A.D.D. speech, or his
ridiculous lie about the hidden idol being "by
far on the ground") was destined to go down in history as a Survivor
classic.
You know, I spent a lot of time thinking about Judd's entry on the
Funny 115, and how I was going to present it. And then I finally
realized there is no way I could describe Judd to somebody who hasn't
seen him before. I mean,
I can talk about how funny he was, and how memorable he was, and how he
repeatedly contradicted himself in the
middle of an argument, but there's no way I can put into print how much
of a cartoon character he really was. And that's when I realized that
the only way a person can enjoy the Judd experience
to its fullest extent
is to go back and watch Guatemala from start to finish. That's the only
way you can really understand why he ranks
#6 (and higher than any other player) on the Funny 115.
Sadly, that's the only advice I can give you in regards to the legend
of the man they call the Juddinator. All
I can say at this point is... wait for Guatemala to come out on DVD.
Then purchase a copy of said DVD. And then
sit down and enjoy Judd in the privacy of your very own home. Because
if you don't appreciate Judd already, I
guarantee you will after watching Guatemala a second time. Because as
Judd himself would say, there's just no
damn way around it, man.
But wait. You say you've never actually seen Judd
before? You say you never actually watched Guatemala
when it first came out? And that you have no idea what the Judd
experience is actually like?
Well, let me put it this way, my friend. If you've never
seen Judd before, be aware that watching
Judd is sort of like looking directly into the sun. It's also a lot
like first time sex. Sure, it might
hurt a little at first. In fact it might hurt a lot
at first. Watching Judd struggle to put a sentence together
can be a painful experience for a lot of first-time Guatemala viewers.
So all I will say is just please give the
guy a little time. No, Judd's sentence structure is never going to get
any better. And no, Judd's grasp of the
English language will never exceed a certain ridiculous level. But in
time, you'll find yourself actually starting
to enjoy the guy. As I said before, watching Judd for the first time is
an awful lot like first-time virginal
sex. Sure, it might take a while for him to lube you up. And it might
be incredibly painful at first. But in
time I guarantee you are going to enjoy it.
"Aint that the damn truth, man."
But what if you already enjoy Judd as much as I do? Should you go out
and buy the Guatemala DVD when it comes
out, just to relive your favorite moments from the Juddinator? Well of
course you know what my answer is going
to be. Hell YES you need to go out and buy it! You
need to go out and buy the Guatemala DVD the very first
day it comes out in stores. Because I guarantee that, the second time
around, Survivor: Guatemala will
be the single funniest season you've ever watched. And most of that
(quite obviously) is thanks to a big, loud
ball of gas we know as Judd. After all, only through a second
viewing of Guatemala (and the wonderful magic
of DVD) will you be able to:
LAUGH! ... as Judd excitedly waves his arms around
in an animated manner while speaking.
CHEER! ... when Judd says that you can only kill
mosquitoes for "a millimeter of a second" before
they come back.
THRILL! ... as Judd uses the word "man" at least
62,000 times during the course of one season.
WINCE! ... when Judd jumps into the mud at the end
of the first challenge and very nearly gets himself stuck.
GASP! ... when Judd claims that his obnoxiousness
and bossiness around camp are "kind of a male tosterone
thing."
GUFFAW! ... when Judd is repeatedly awakened by
howler monkeys in the jungle, and later calls this "the
most annoyingest noise I ever heard in my life."
SMILE! ... as Judd grubs on fried chicken on top of
a Mayan pyramid.
MARVEL! ... when Judd solves Rafe's word puzzle for
him, and repeatedly says "Ancient Ruin, man"
in an effort to give the Rafeinator the coveted immunity.
SOB! ... as Judd repeatedly rapes the English
language, in the most brutal and horrifying manner possible.
BOO! ... when those scumbags vote Judd out of the
game.
and APPLAUD! ... as a man proves that you can
almost win Survivor... even if you happen to be crippled with
the debilitating handicap of Aaaay Deeee Deeee.
Aaaay Deeee Deeee!
So here's to Judd Sergeant, the most unintentionally hilarious player
ever to play Survivor. He was the worst
damn liar ever, he was the most annoyingest player in the history of
the game, and... to top it all off... he
was also totally, by far, an absolute grammatical butcher. Yet despite
all of this (or maybe because of
all this), Judd ended up being the most endearing unintentional
comedian in Survivor history.
"Except for me, motherfucker."
Well yes, except for Sandra.
So anyway, I'm proud to award the #6 spot on the Funny 115 to none
other than Judd Sergeant, just for being so
damn entertaining. Out of all the players who made the list simply for
being themselves, Judd ends up grabbing
the highest spot of them all. He also gets my vote as the most
entertaining player in the history of Survivor.
And if you don't agree?
Well then obviously you have Aaaay Deeee Deeee.
"Damn, I'm sexy, man."
P.S. "Judd also has a problem with recall." Ha ha ha ha ha. I love that
quote.
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