The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#84. Redneck Fight!
All-Stars - Multiple Episodes

This is one of my favorite feuds of all time. Mainly because both of the participants hated each other so very much.

In one corner you had Tom Buchanan, the borderline-lewd sexist goat farmer:

And in the other corner you had Susan Hawk, the borderline-abrasive man-hating truck driver:

And the two of them together on the same tribe? Comedy gold.

It's funny, though, because when I wrote my pre-season "All Stars" strategy column back in 2004, I was convinced that Sue and Tom were going to get along. Lots of people said I was nuts, they said that Tom and Sue would hate each other with a passion, but I always stuck to my guns. I said, "No, Tom and Sue are both very conservative, very old school, and both of them have a solid work ethic. They will get along like peas in a pod." And I firmly believed that too. That is... up until Tom called her a "hag from hell" and Sue called him a "stupid klutzy drunk." Once those words started being thrown around, I knew that perhaps I had been wrong. Perhaps I had been a tad off. Maybe they weren't going to get along as well as I had hoped.

So anyway, here are some highlights from the Great Redneck Fight of 2004. And I have to say that I really enjoyed this subplot:

* Episode 3 - Tom claims that Susan's elevator "don't go all the way to the top floor." He also states that she is "the bossiest women I've ever seen." And just for good measure, he sits down for an interview and gives us one of the better quotes of the season:

"How I made it to forty-eight, without Sue Hawk leading me by the hand... is a mystery."

* Episode 3 - Susan and Tom fight over the proper way to construct a house. A lot of unintelligible language is casually thrown around. The people who do the closed captioning at CBS throw up their hands in defeat.

Sue yelling at Tom for being an idiot

* Episode 4 - At Tribal Council, Susan admits that she can be "sort a bitch sometimes." And Tom, sitting right behind her, doesn't seem to disagree.

Tom reacts to Sue's statement.

* Episode 5 - Now the fur really starts to fly. First, Sue calls Tom "a stupid drunk" in an interview. Then Tom refers to her as "a hag from hell."

* Episode 5 - Sue tells us that "Tom is a stupid, klutzy drunk. I don't care for the man whatsoever." But Tom tops this by having a conversation with Sue, then muttering under his breath towards the camera, "Kiss my ass. What a hag."

* Episode 5 - In perhaps the lowest moment of the feud, Chapera is out fishing and Sue decides to take a leak all over the raft. And when Tom finds this out, he is horrified. He comments that Sue's urine "will make a hole in the driftwood. That'll rot any wood I know."

* Episode 5 - Sue eventually quits the game due to earlier events with Richard, but that doesn't mean the feud is over. No, Tom is more than happy to celebrate Sue's demise. In fact, he actually does a dance over the fact that she is gone.

Tom mocking Sue during a moment of silence in her honor

Ding dong, the witch is dead!

So anyway that was the big Redneck Feud of '04. It was one of my favorite running feuds in Survivor history (possibly topped only by Bobby Jon and Jamie's "War to Settle the Score" in Guatemala in 2005.) And I can only imagine what would have happened if Tom had been the one to grind Sue, instead of Richard. That sure would have been something to see. Right, Chad?

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