The Funny 115

#90. Just shut up about Mother Africa already
Africa - Episodes 1-4

Linda Spencer, crazy person.

Brandon Quinton (Survivor: Africa) once gave a very accurate description of fellow contestant Linda Spencer. In episode four, he told us that "she has two very, very different sides. It's like this sweet little New England Mom, and then there's this... I don't know... crazy woman side, too."

Linda bows down before Lindsey

Linda may have only been around for four episodes, but she definitely had a lot of memorable moments in the game. Remember when she taunted Lindsey for getting hurt? Or when she tried to force a hug on Lindsey by asking "Did your momma never hug ya?" Both of these showed Linda at her peak wackiness. But the thing that Linda Spencer was really remembered for was her never-ending adulation of "Mother Africa."

Throughout the first four episodes, it seemed like Linda never shut up about "Mother Africa" this or "The idol goddess" that. In Linda's mind, everything that happened in the game seemed to some way relate to fucking Mother Africa. And it happened so often that it sort of became a running joke. Oh great, here's Linda with another blithering soliloquy about Mother Africa. Time to go get a snack from the fridge.

Mother Africa means something or other. I forget.

This subplot in Africa (Mother Africa makes the baby Jesus happy) got so predictable that "Mother Africa" eventually became sort of a trigger word for me. Anytime I heard that phrase on TV, I immediately tuned out the next 15 seconds of my life. It's like my brain shut down on me. I mean, Linda could have announced the cure for cancer at the end of her confessional and I never would have heard it. The minute she hit that trigger word of "Mother Africa", my brain turned me into somebody else. It was sort of like Reggie Jackson when he tried to assassinate the queen at the end of the "The Naked Gun." Linda Spencer and Mother Africa teamed up and somehow managed to hypnotize me.

The Idol Goddess loves the Funny 115 list, Mario. I can feel it.

By the way, here are some exact quotes about Mother Africa from Linda, in case you don't remember them. Keep in mind that I am only listing four, when in truth there were approximately 22,000 throughout the course of Survivor: Africa.

* Episode one, when Linda is criticizing Samburu for making jokes about Africa: "I don't know if you'll understand this, but Mother Africa.... zzz... blah blah blah."

* Episode two, when Linda talks to her alliance about how they can succeed: "Our idol goddess will protect .... zzzz... blah blah... Africa."

* Episode three, when Linda comments on the dissention in camp Samburu: "Mother Africa is a very spiritual place... blah blah blah... *snooze*."

* Episode three, when Samburu loses the "plane drop" reward challenge: "Our idol goddess is not happy, you guys. She went to find a place of peace.... blah blah blah.... Silas... blah blah."

Damnit! I actually looked up those quotes before I tried to type them in. I even had them written word for word on my paper, thinking that would help. But unfortunately my brain just wouldn't let me proceed once I reached the inevitable trigger word. I'm really sorry, I had no idea I was still affected by this phenomenon. I really wish I could have been a little more helpful.

Mother Africa sucks.

Great, Linda's talking again. Time for a piss break.

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