Chris Daugherty, bringer of death
The Funny 115
#91. Chris and Eliza - The Final Staredown
Vanuatu - Finale
Chris Daugherty, bringer of death
A lot of people seem to hate Survivor: Vanuatu. Yet
it's always been one of my favorite seasons. So I have
a hard time understanding why nobody else in the world seemed to enjoy
it. Was it because Chris was just a fat
guy in a red wifebeater? Was it because all the young players got taken
out of the game at the start? Was it because
the women screwed up one of the easiest wins in the history of
Survivor? Why exactly is there such hatred towards
Vanuatu?
In my personal opinion, I believe the problem is that most people just
didn't watch this season the right way.
I don't think they saw the real storyline that was
developing all along. Because what we saw in Vanuatu
wasn't just some guy in a wifebeater who capitalized on the mistakes of
much better players. Oh sure, that may
have looked like the storyline, but "Chris sneaks
past the superior female players" was really
only the plotline on a very simple, superficial level. Chris lying his
way to the million dollars really had very
little to do with the actual storyline.
No, the real storyline in Survivor: Vanuatu was
that it was a plan old-fashioned revenge story. Did you
ever notice that? Vanuatu was, above all else, a damn revenge movie! It
was just like any other movie starring
Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, or (more recently) Kill
Bill starring Uma Thurman. A guy gets wronged,
a guy seeks revenge, and a guy kills all his enemies one by one. That
was the exact storyline of Chris's win!
And that's why Survivor: Vanuatu will always be one of my single
favorite Survivor seasons of all time.
You may disagree with me, but think about it for a minute. Because
Vanuatu is really the story of a guy (Chris)
who started out as a fairly good person. He certainly didn't lie very
much at the start of the game. In fact, by
all accounts, at the beginning he actually appeared to be fairly
ethical. He made friends with Bubba. He made friends
with Julie. He made friends with Twila. He was good friends with Chad.
He was best friends with Sarge. In other
words, for the first half of the game he was considered to be a very
nice person. Almost everybody in the game
was friends with Chris, and that put him in a really good position at
the merge. And the best part of it all was
that he really hadn't done anything bad to anyone.
But that's when everything came crashing down for the beloved rotund
hero of our story.
The problem Chris didn't foresee was that Julie and Twila were going to
turn on the men at the merge. Julie and
Twila were going to go running back to the women of Yasur, Chris and
the men were going to be left high and dry
in a vulnerable minority... and all appeared to be lost when the men
suddenly lost Rory and Sarge in back to back
votes after the merge. In the matter of two quick episodes Chris had
gone from top of the heap, to bottom of the
barrel. And it had all come at the hands of two women (Julie and Twila)
that he thought he had considered
to be friends
.
A saddened Chris after the Rory vote
A pissed off Chris
after the Sarge vote
See, but here's the deal about Chris. This is the part of his character
that nearly everyone forgets, but
you can't possibly appreciate his storyline unless you remember this.
Chris wasn't the sort of player who just
sat down and gave up when things didn't appear to be going his way. In
fact Chris wasn't a giver-upper at all.
No, when all appeared to be lost for Chris, the only thing that
happened was that he got mad. He turned
into one of the most stubborn and determined players I've ever seen on
Survivor, and it's a shame that nobody ever
gives him credit for this. Sure, a lesser player might have folded
under this massive onslaught (and massive betrayal),
but all Chris did was get pissed off. He had seen Bubba go. He had seen
Rory go. He had seen Sarge go. And at this
point, this is where he started plotting his revenge. This is where
something
in the guy finally snapped.
After all, don't you remember Chris's voting comments when he voted
against Sarge at the end of episode nine? Don't
you remember these very prophetic words of cold-hearted sadistic
revenge?
"This is for you, Sarge, not against you. I'm gonna
burn every one of 'em."
Chris Daugherty vowed revenge on the women at the end of episode nine.
And that's exactly what he ended
up doing! Oh sure, Chris might not have done it all
on his own. He might have had a ton of help along the
way. But that's completely irrelevant to the overall storyline. Chris
single-handedly set out to avenge Sarge,
he set out to make the women look foolish, and he apparently set out to
be the world's biggest asshole at the same
time. He intended to screw every single woman left
in the game, he intended to lie to their faces and show
that he could outplay them, and that's exactly what
he did! So, sure, Chris may have been the world's biggest
asshole in the last few episodes. And he may have lied to Julie and
Eliza and Twila for no strategic reason. But
keep in mind that that's what he was trying to do!
Chris wanted to get revenge for what they had
done to Sarge. He wanted to get revenge for what they had done to Chad.
Chris didn't give a rat's ass about any
of the women in Vanuatu, and to me it was one of the most amusing
things I have ever seen on the show. The end of
Vanuatu was like watching an actual serial killer go through each day
without a conscience.
Something snapped in Chris after the merge. Because while he might have
still wanted to win, what I think he really
wanted was just some old-fashioned, colf-hearted, sadistic revenge.
Chris wanted to hurt peoples' feelings. He
wanted to make things sting on the way out. And he especially wanted to
screw Julie and Twila. For those two, no
revenge could possibly be sweet enough. And if Chris somehow made it to
the final two? Well, he figured he'd just
bullshit his answers to the jury and see if any of them actually bought
it. And guess what. They did. And that
meant that not only did Chris destroy and embarrass nearly every single
female upon whom he'd called for a Jihad,
he also managed to con them into giving him a million dollar check. And
in the mind of this reviewer, well,
revenge just don't come much more sweeter than that.
Was Chris's win mostly luck? Hell yeah! Was he a nice player who played
with a lot of ethics? Hell no! Was he the
most likable winner the show has ever seen? Of course not. But damn he
made for some good TV. Chris Daugherty pulled
off the best revenge story the game has ever seen. He "burned them all"
just like he said he was going
to do. And I have to think that Chuck Norris or The Bride from Kill
Bill would have been extremely proud. It really
was a fun little reign of destruction if you knew how to appreciate it.
Thinking about burning 'em all.
I loved just about every minute of the Chris Daugherty revenge story.
But the moment I specifically chose for the
Funny 115 was Chris's blindsiding of Eliza at the final four. It was a
scene that was horrendously harsh (if you
were an Eliza fan), but it was also a scene that was extremely
memorable (if you were a Chris fan). Because do
you remember what Chris did right after he had backstabbed poor Eliza
and sent her right out of the game? Do you
remember his move immediately after the fateful vote? Do you remember
that Chris actually taunted her? Right
there when she was getting her torch snuffed? Take a look. Chris
actually taunts Eliza right after she turns and
gives him a glare of disgust. I couldn't believe it.
Eliza turns to glare daggers at Chris
Chris's reaction? He just shrugs. "Meh.
Whatever."
And then, one of the biggest dick moves
in Survivor history. Chris actually waves to her on the
way out.
I know it's sort of mean to be laughing about this scene, but god damn
that was a cold-hearted thing to do Like
I said, this was easily one of the biggest dick moves in Survivor
history, and it's always made me
laugh at how cold-bloodedly sadistic it was. I mean, Chris didn't have
to do this. There was no strategic
necessity or advantage to doing it. He just wanted to do something mean
on the way out. He just wanted to flat-out
be an asshole to somebody. In fact, Chris's decision to taunt Eliza
right after he had backstabbed her (for no
particular reason) always reminds me of one of my favorite movie
monologues of all time, from the movie Pulp Fiction.
Tell me if this doesn't sound like the last few episodes of Survivor:
Vanuatu to you:
Jules Winfield (Samuel L. Jackson): There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass.
So why did Chris taunt poor Eliza right after he had blindsided her?
Well it certainly wasn't because he wanted
her jury vote. No, the only reason Chris would do something like that
was because he was out for revenge, and he
wanted to "burn" them. That's it. Vanuatu was the single best revenge
story in Survivor history, it was
easily one of the most well-rounded story arcs in Survivor history, and
the only reason it hasn't caught on that
well over time is that most people just find Chris unappealing. Oh well.
At this point, all I'm asking you to do is watch Vanautu again, and
this time watch it from Chris's point
of view. Don't watch it from Ami's point of view, or Eliza's, or
anybody else. Just watch it as "The Chris
Daugherty Story", and see for yourself what a perfect storyline it is.
Because if you go into Vanuatu expecting
to watch a Chuck Norris-ian story of revenge, I swear to god it is one
of the most satisfying (and funny) storylines
you are ever going to see on Survivor. In fact, here's the Cliff's
Notes version of Chris's legendary tale of revenge,
just in case you're too lazy to go out and watch for yourself.
It's the final five, and Chris is best
friends with the girl who recently backstabbed him, Julie.
And he's awfully convincing, too. "Don't
worry, Julie. You and me are going to the final
two."
Revenge #1. Complete.
Eliza sure can't believe it.
Chris, of course, doesn't feel the
slightest bit guilty about this. It's just one chick down
to him. And just three more chicks to go.
Back at camp, Chris tells us he didn't
really need to blindside Julie. He just did it
because he thought it would be fun. "She burned me. I burned her."
Back at camp, Eliza is a little bit
upset. "Chris! You, me, and Julie were supposed to be
an alliance!"
And Chris, of course, is just going to
fatten poor Eliza up for the kill. He promises that, no
matter what, he's still going to force a tie at the final four.
It's the final four. And guess what?
Chris just won immunity.
And that means..... muhahaha....
he can now do anything he wants tonight at Tribal Council
Chris again promises Eliza he's going to
force a tie tonight. There's no real reason to do this.
This part is just for him.
Here's the Alinta final four at Tribal
Council. Note the smirk on Chris's face. He knows exactly
what is about to happen.
Meh. Whatever.
And this is where the moment gets good.
Eliza turns to give Chris a glare of
absolute hatred, loathing, and disgust
Here is my favorite image of the entire
Vanuatu season. Eliza is glaring at Chris, and he just
glares right back at her, as if to say, "And what are you gonna do
about it?" The editors hold on this
shot for at least five seconds. It's just an awesome little pissed-off
angry staredown.
Eliza finally walks up to get her torch
snuffed, and this is when she does her famous "one
last turn" to give Chris one last angry look.
And the money shot. Chris just shrugs
her off.
And then he waves. Buh bye.
Like I said, this scene between Eliza and Chris was my single favorite
Chris moment in the game, and it's all because
he had absolutely no interest in winning her jury vote. All he wanted
to do was be an asshole. All he wanted was
to pull off a cold-hearted revenge. And that's why I included it on the
Funny 115. Sure, this moment might not
be the nicest moment on the countdown, but for pure
sadistic dark humor, this has always been one of my
all-time favorite Survivor moments. It might take a special sense of
humor to laugh at this moment. Either that
or you just have to appreciate a player who played with a set of balls
(ie, didn't give a crap about the jury vote.)
But in any case, this is one of my favorite moments in Survivor
history, from my single favorite player in Survivor
history. And I still can't believe he actually
mocked her right after she had been backstabbed.
P.S. Even after all this, Eliza still voted for Chris to win the game.
P.P.S. Don't worry. Eliza may have gotten burned here, but she will
definitely get her own revenge later. Because
she has a Tribal Council moment in the top 10, and it's even better.
I'm Chuck Norris. And I approve of this revenge.
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