The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor
#95. Clay Jordan
Thailand - Multiple Episodes
I think that Clay Jordan is one of the most underappreciated characters in Survivor history.
"Penny thinks she's cute, but she ain't gettin' shit from this one."
No one ever seemed to like the guy during Thailand, and I bet you can count the number of people who rooted for him on one hand. In fact it's entirely possible that Clay Jordan could be the single most unpopular player in the history of Survivor. And if you're wondering why Survivor: Thailand is the least popular season ever... you just may be looking in the right place I think you can blame almost everything on widespread hatred of Clay.
I ran across this "anti-Clay bias" a few years back when I was writing one of my stories. You see, I cast Clay Jordan as one of the characters in All-Star Survivor: Alaska and, right from the start, people were upset about it. Nobody wanted to see Clay portrayed in print. Nobody wanted to read about Clay. Nobody gave a rat's ass about Clay. And I have to say that the most common feedback I got throughout the first six episodes of Alaska was some variant of the following:
"VOTE CLAY OUT!!!!!"
The funniest thing about my Alaska story was that Silas "Chip" Gaither was one of the other characters, yet the general populace still wanted me to get rid of Clay first. And that should tell you something. Because when people root for Silas over you, you know you're not the most popular character around. But alas, that apparently was just Clay Jordan's destiny in the Survivor world. He was always meant to rank one step ahead of navel lint.
But here's the thing... I thought Clay was hilarious in Thailand. He was one of the few players in Survivor history who could consistently crack me up, and that's not an easy thing to do. But here was Clay, week in and week out, delivering some bombshell of a confessional that was alternately mean and hilarious at the same time. Because that's what Clay did. Or, as Ghandia would say, "That's how Clay do." Clay Jordan was mean-spirited, he was unlikable, he was more than a little bit sexist, and he was unbelievably blunt in his personal attacks towards other people. But you know what? That just made him funnier to listen to. Clay was one of my favorite confessional-givers of all time.
Clay comparing Ghandia to a two-year old
Clay Jordan becomes the first person on the Funny 115 to make the list just for being himself. That's right, he makes the list just for being Clay. He makes the list because he made me laugh, and he makes the list because that's how Clay do.
So here's to a guy who didn't have much of a fan base, who never won over the hearts and minds of the populace, and who is barely tall enough to go on the scary rides at Disneyland. Because despite all that, Clay was a wonderful character. He gave great interviews, he had some really funny quotes... and I think Helen Glover summed it up best when she talked about Clay in episode two:
"I can't believe a guy who stands five foot five can have that much noise coming out of him."
Well done, Clay. I wish I could shake your hand.
---------CLAY JORDAN'S TOP THREE MEAN-SPIRITED CONFESSIONALS FROM SURVIVOR: THAILAND:-----------
Clay comparing Helen to an encyclopedia
1. "With Helen, everything is serious. Serious. I mean, there's no play to her. She's supposed to be some kind of Marine expert, but she's kind of got the personality of an encyclopedia. You open it up, there aint nothin' in there fun to read. You only open it when you need the information." (from episode two)
2. "Penny is a cute, sweet little girl. She thinks her looks and her little talent can get whatever she wants out of men. Well I'm forty-six. She aint gettin' shit from this one." (from episode eight)
3. "That was the most childish act she done so far here. Ghandia gonna go down to the beach and cry and holler and carry on. My two year old did that one time. I whooped its ass and put it back in bed." (from episode three).
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